


Orbiting My Gravity

by kiss-umi (agstdboi)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Blowjobs without protection, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Paparazzi, dating rumors, famous au, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:46:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8673142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agstdboi/pseuds/kiss-umi
Summary: In one hand he had Junmyeon, who’s is like the gravity take makes Yixing keep his both feet on the ground. He’s probably what got Yixing this far in life with his almost intact sanity, even between many regrets and unforgettable moments. In the other hand there was Jongdae, who he had really known for only a few days now and it was definitely still a mystery for Yixing, but still, spending time with Jongdae had felt like being throw in space without a suit, oxygen missing in his blood and his head feeling like it could blow up at any second but Yixing couldn't care because the stars were in his reach and the moon was bright, so bright.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first part of an ongoing series so it might seem unfinished, so just warning.  
> Thank you for reading this, I hope you all can enjoy it! (Also please forgive me for any mistakes this was edited while I was sleep deprived)

 

Lying is like makeup: The longer you do it the more you have to cover up. People are completely addicted to lying, to the point where everyone lies and everyone has something to pretend about. People mask themselves into a persona that at first are the promise of happiness. Instead of trying to achieve things, they’d rather pretend and live life like it’s all part of a big play and, when the curtains are closed and the show is over, they can go back to things how they were. It doesn’t matter anyway, because  _ everyone else lies too, right? _

Yixing never liked lies. He finds it's extremely hard to step on stage and lie through his teeth to the people that support his career. He does it anyways, knowing that lying comes as a requirement to be an idol, just as much as singing and dancing.

Yixing did realize, while he was drowning in his misery and guilt, that he would lie if necessary to protect something important. So he tried to find this something that would help him hold onto his character, he searched for a purpose. And after four years the thing that could keep Yixing with his both feet glued on the floor finally came. In the shape and name of Kim Junmyeon, Yixing found his gravity.

Yixing would do anything and everything for Junmyeon. Even after almost two years of dating he still sneaked out of his dorm to watch a movie. It makes Yixing feel like a rebel teenager that run away with his thug boyfriend. Except Junmyeon wasn't punk at all, but a total softie instead.

“Kyungsoo is giving you a hard time, isn't he?” Yixing draws Junmyeon’s attention away from his phone. Junmyeon looks up, higher than he normally would, thanks to the pastel blue cap he's wearing. He looks cute, Yixing thinks, with his oversized sweater and bare, sleepy face.

“Barking dogs seldom bite,” Junmyeon fights a yawn, and guilt washes over Yixing. Dragging Junmyeon halfway across the city for them to watch a movie wasn't his best idea, he reckons.

“I'm pretty sure Kyungsoo does both a lot,” Yixing fakes a shiver.

“Kyungsoo? He is a soft guy, you're the one who's afraid of everything,” Junmyeon tries to reason.

“Only of ghosts and birds,” Yixing his cap once again, looking around anxiously. Junmyeon looks at him from the corner of his eyes, and Yixing tries to shrug him off. “Have you seen their beaks? Terrifying.”

“Is that so?” Junmyeon sounds unrepentant, making Yixing pout.

“Don't make fun of me.” Yixing has their tickets in hand, guiding Junmyeon by the arm to the snack bar.

“I'm not,” he says, but he's laughing.

“Junmyeon,” Yixing wails, stomping his feet.

“Yixing,” Junmyeon copies him, before they notice that the attendant is watching them. Yixing smiles as Junmyeon tries to disguise by pretending to look at their options. “Kyungsoo got me nachos from here once, when I got my first win," Junmyeon cleans his throat and smiles.

“Wow, Kyungsoo is amazing,” Yixing mocks, earning himself a slap from it. He rubs at the spot Junmyeon just hit. “I guess that nachos it'll be, then. Please make it with extra cheese. And a Diet Coke, I'm trying to lose some weight,” Junmyeon only gives him a faint smile. The girl laughs loudly though, before bowing down in an apology, which Yixing shrugs off with a smile.

Yixing gives her a wink when they're walking away and she blush violently.  Junmyeon holds onto the nachos with his life and Yixing laughs, careful not to spill their drink.

“You're such a playboy,” Junmyeon face looks shocked, but his voice tone gives it away.

“What? She's cute, I would totally date her,” Yixing laughs.

“If you weren't gay,” Junmyeon says, making Yixing sigh. Junmyeon pulling nervously at the end of his sleeves, making them wear out from stretching. It always earns him a scoff from Kyungsoo and a grimace from Minseok, but Yixing can’t help to find it endearing. It also feels soon for long sleeves, September's breeze being too warm to wear anything but t-shirts. Junmyeon is always cold though, so Yixing indulges him to his wardrobe choices.

“Minor details, nothing to worry about,” that earns him another slap, on the same spot.

“Ouch, if I didn't know better I'd say you don't love,” Yixing complains. “I keep getting slapped somehow.”

“That’s on you for being an idiot. Plus you know better.”

“Aw, Junmyeon, you love me,” he smiles at Junmyeon.

“Are you crazy you idiot? Shut up someone could recognize us,” Junmyeon tries to be serious, but Yixing is making kissy faces and he can't stop himself from laughing. “I take that back I don't love you, I hate you.”

“You can't take it back, that's not how it works,” Yixing sits down on the far back at the auditorium. He is trying to get used to the darkness of the room, walking around almost blindly.

“Maybe, now shut up I want to pay attention,” he tries to shut down the conversation and Yixing is quick to oblige.

Paying attention to the movie turns into a shy make out session over the seat’s arm only ten minutes after they sit down. Yixing finds himself not caring about it, delighted under with Junmyeon's touch. They spend the whole time paying attention to each other, rather than the movie itself. They kiss and whisper stupid things over the armrest and Yixing couldn't be happier.

These are the kind of days that remind him his life is worth living. All the days he spends locked up in practice rooms, dancing and singing until he had no energy to spare, they seem like a distant time. Yet sometimes Yixing clutches himself to the things he achieved. He takes a deep breath and stock moments like today away in a jar, so he can remember not all days are bad days.

 

“Remind me again, why are we here?” Yixing looks around the room, playfully tapping the buttons from the mixing table. Minseok shrugs, running his fingers through his sleek hair locks. He always changing the color to something different and bright but this time he surprisingly went for pitch black. It made Yixing raise his eyebrows when he first saw him, leaning on his car at the parking lot.

“Something to do with a new collaboration, I guess,” Yixing hums in a form of mockery at Minseok’s answer.

It would be stupid to drag them away from SM’s building if it was about that. Yixing doesn't feel right about this. "Maybe it's an artist from another company?" Yixing says unsure, trying to calm himself and Minseok only shrugs again. 

“What time did you get home yesterday?” Minseok takes his phone out, checking the hours, seeming awful impatient. Yixing is too, if he has to be honest. This schedule was not in the plans yesterday and only the president would dare to change it like that. The thought of seeing the president.

“Can't remember,” Yixing throws his head back on the rotating chair, spinning twice.

“You need to be careful, you could be seen Yixing, it'll get us both in trouble,” Minseok lectures him.

“It already did,” a new voice makes Yixing take his eyes away from the ceiling. Jongdae is standing at the door, side by side Joohyun. He grimaces becuase there goes a good start of a day wasted by the sight of the most annoying singer SM ever signed with. His manager walks in first, handing Minseok her phone as Yixing stares, waiting with his hand splayed across his stomach. He doesn't spare a second glance towards Jongdae, who slips in after Joohyun, sitting far from Yixing. It makes Yixing glad, knowing the distaste is mutual.

“Oh shit,” Minseok groans, and Yixing shifts in his chair. What could possible be so bad to the point of making the gentleman Minseok swear? "How did you get those?"

"The president's assistant sent me," she reassured Minseok. Yixing is  only happy to know that he was right about the president being directly involved.

Yixing grabs the phone eagerly when Minseok hands it over to him, staring at the screen for a few minutes before saying a word.

“You can't see my face in this, how do you know it's me?” Yixing tries to argue, but he knows. He recognizes the cap Junmyeon was wearing yesterday and also his favorite jumper. He knows it's them, but he doesn't want to admit he fucked up bad this time.

Rumors about same sex couples are everywhere, specially with the amount of fanservice and skinship artists have. They are the money-maker when it comes to groups and honestly help a lot with publicity for solo artists too. Those interactions drive fans crazy and it never harmed anyone. But they're just a publicity stunt, something the fans carry on and make them rolls their eyes. This, compared to that is completely different, this is real. People might be more reasonable nowadays but in a society like the one they live in a gay couple in the music industry would mean the end of a career. Not everyone is straight of course, but everyone lies about it. They live their mouths shut off and accept heteronormativity, and it's fine as long as they get paid for it. Dating scandals are already career wrecking as it is, so playing this game with the paparazzi and calling a bluff, it’s something Yixing can’t afford to do. 

But even under the threat of the permanent end of his career Yixing can't think about himself. He thinks of Junmyeon instead, who's signed with a less understanding recording label. He thinks of how bad he messed up, picturing Junmyeon having to come out to his traditional parents.

“Well, you can't in this one, but who knows if they have another picture?” Joohyun reasons, sitting besides Minseok. Minseok moves around for her to fit on the couch without going too far from her touch.

"But what are you doing here?" Yixing asks, making a face at Jongdae. He's ignored and maybe it's for the best.

"They called us, what else," she says like it's obvious.

"Yes noona, but what does it have to do with them and more important, with the picture," Jongdae finally speaks. Yixing tries not to be childish and get mad at the sound of his voice.

"I'm so fired," at the mention of the picture Minseok throws his head back, groaning. Yixing tries to ignore the mischievous smile that lifts the corner of Jongdae's mouth.

"Not quite," the four of them stand together, bowing towards the door, where the president now stands. He doesn't look pleased, but neither does he look pissed. He is just... bored. Yixing never felt afraid of him like right now.

"I can explain..." Minseok steps forward and Yixing swears his head is going to be snatched off. The president just stops him by lifting his hand.

"We're making an experiment. Thanks to you," he looks at Yixing, making him lower his head. "And you," he points at Jongdae this time, making him gasp.

"But sir, with all due respect, I don't have anything to do with this," Jongdae tries to argue.

"Not this, but your sales have gone down a lot the last six months Jongdae."

"So what? We are making a collaboration?" Yixing shouldn't interrupt the president like this, but he is confused. This won’t solve the problem, not even by far. Is the president crazy enough to call a bluff? Does he have all the confidence to put Yixing’s career on the line? Yixing is certain this situation can't get any worse.

"No," he smiles for the first time, but instead of calming Yixing's nerves it just make him shiver. Yixing mentally curses his goddamn mouth, “You're going to date.”

 

Hate is a not a word in Yixing’s everyday vocabulary. He figures that since he's a busy guy and should waste his energies with more useful things than being passionate about not liking something. Like how he doesn't enjoy spicy food, but whenever they give if for him to eat he just does. Or how he finds it difficult to watch rom coms but still endure it when Junmyeon insists on seeing them. Yixing is easy going, simple. He'd rather do something he doesn't like than make someone unhappy. Having that said, he could easily affirm he hates Jongdae.

Yixing is not really sure  _ why _ , but he does. Sounds irrational when said in that way, and he could think of some stuff that would ignite Yixing’s distaste for Jongdae. Like other’s smug way of smiling, trying to charm himself out of every hardship he encounters. Maybe Yixing doesn't like the way he flirts with everyone, how easily his eyes curve into crescent moons just make people enchanted by his fake faucet. He definitely hates Jongdae need to crack indecent jokes and be loud, calling for all the attention on the room like a spoiled boy. 

Minseok told him once Jongdae is not a bad person and that he seems to act this way only when Yixing is around. But Minseok thinks everyone is nice and should earn a  biscuit, and hardly keeps to himself his thoughts about Yixing’s dramatic reactions. But in the end there's nothing anyone could say that would change that statement. Dating Jongdae, he concluded then, is going to be a disaster.

“Can you stop worrying?” Junmyeon asks, pulling Yixing from his thoughts and breaking their kiss. He moves around, trying to get more comfortable on Yixing’s lap.

For one thing Jongdae taking the blame was good: Junmyeon's name wouldn't come up and his career was safe. It's a shame Yixing couldn't say the same about his own.

They're sitting on Junmyeon’s car, with matching irregular breaths, fast and short intakes to make up for the lack of air that they experienced just now. Yixing’s hands are on Junmyeon’s hips, holding him close and pushing every once in awhile.

“I'm not worried,” Yixing says before trying to go in for another kiss. Junmyeon avert it by pulling his body away from Yixing and into the dashboard.

“You either think lowly of me or you just like to pretend,” Junmyeon whispers, but the sound of his voice echoes in Yixing’s ears.

“I didn't mean for that to happen,” Yixing confesses. Even after his conversation on the recording studios with the president, after 

He looks out of the window, to the parking lot. He knows it’s empty and even if it wasn’t, Junmyeon’s windows have film in them. Junmyeon himself ordered it done so they could feel safer driving around in this car. Though relaxed is the last thing Yixing is feeling right now. He's too afraid someone would pop up from behind a car and start taking pictures again or that someone could see through the window's film.

“Well, look at the bright side, I'm safe from it,” Junmyeon laughs as Yixing groans in misery.

“Not fair, plus now I still have to pretend I’m dating that idiot,” Yixing is whining and it's pitiful and ugly.

“You don't have to talk about him like that,” Junmyeon says and there's regret in his voice. Yixing always forgets how close Junmyeon was to Jongdae before he started dating Yixing. Yixing did ask him the reason once, out of curiosity, but Junmyeon just made a sad face and shrugged him off.

“I'm sorry, I know he was your friend. It's just, he just drives me crazy,” Yixing groans out of frustration, “Always acting high and almighty.”

“Yeah, Jongdae can be a little difficult sometimes,” Junmyeon agrees. He is trying to smile but he not doing well, making Yixing almost immediately concerned.

“I don't know how to do this,” Yixing confesses and it earns him a stroke from Junmyeon’s fingers on his cheek.

“I know, I know. But to be fair it won’t kill you,” Junmyeon smiles and Yixing does the same under his boyfriend fingers. “At least only one of us got caught in the scandal,” he jokes, trying to ease the heaviness of the conversation.

“Yeah, that'd be a disaster Kyungsoo would like to avoid,” Yixing jokes too, lightening the mood, but then he realizes something. “Oh shit! Kyungsoo is going to rip my head off and eat it with balsamic reduction.”

Junmyeon laughs at his choice of words, but Yixing is dead serious about it. Kyungsoo is the Satan himself and there's no way he's going to come out with life this time.

“Don't worry, Kyungsoo knows it’s not your fault,” Junmyeon brings his hand up, stroking the crown of dark hair of Yixing's head.

“But still,” Yixing whines. Doesn't matter what he says, the guilt is not going away, at least not for now.

“Xing, we have fifteen minutes before Minseok-hyung storms into this parking lot screaming about early schedules. Could you please stop worrying for nothing and kiss my goddamn mouth?” And he doesn't have to say it twice, looking like this, with pink swollen lips and hair sticking up everywhere, thanks to Yixing's wandering hands.

So Yixing pulls him by the waist, kissing his mouth with more determination than before. He's challenging himself to say goodbye to a hot mess that once was his goody two-shoes boyfriend.

 

The thousands of messages it's what wakes him up the next morning. He stares at his phone, the comments overflowing his latest posts in every social media account he ever made. 

It surprises him that they're not entirely bad. The company gave an official statement about it, talking privacy and equality. All the ridiculous stuff Yixing expected, but still got a lot of people going. To be completely honest Yixing expected less from a society like the one they live in.  

It's not like Yixing didn't think about it, having his sexuality as a topic, a fact of his life exposed for strangers to judge. Even though his relationship with Jongdae was supposed to be nothing but an advertisement for their company, this is real and it's about Yixing. He's gay, there's no running away or turning his back on that. Any consequences that come from it, they're as real as it can get.

Throwing his covers of off his body, Yixing sighs loudly, coming down to the floor for a shirt he discarded yesterday.

There's a knock on the door, making Yixing freeze.

“Can I come in?” Minseok's head peeks behind the door. Yixing nods once, going back to fishing his clothes from the floor. “You look tired,” he says and Yixing snorts.

“Tired doesn't even cover it,” Yixing sighs again, sitting down at the end of his bed.

“We have to get to the company,” Minseok smiles apologetic, reaching for Yixing’s jacket on the table.

His phone interrupts them, ringing from where Yixing fetches it in his back pocket. He checks the caller ID, groaning at the sight of his mother’s name.

“Hi mom,” Yixing smiles at how easy Chinese slips from his mouth and, despite the exhaustion.

“Yixing, my baby,” She sounds tired, and it makes Yixing sad. Yixing clutches to the phone, having no idea he had forgotten how his mom sounds like until he hears it. It's a welcome feeling, nostalgy hitting him. He tries to remember her laugh too, but Yixing doesn't have a good memory, not even for something important like that. "What happened?" Yixing figures she already read about him so there's no point in lying.

“Sorry mom. It's just… It's not real, we are not together,” his voice is barely a whisper. It's not real, he lying once again.

“Oh, that is…” There's hesitation in her voice, “So you're not…” She trails off, waiting. Yixing didn't think about this, he was hoping she wouldn't see somehow the news about her son.

“That part is true mom,” Yixing sighs. This is definitely not how he wanted to come out to his mom.

“Oh Yixing,” she sighs. Last thing he needs is his mom disappointed at him, “Why didn't you tell me?”

“I don't know mom, I didn't want you to hate me maybe,” Yixing sits down. He can hear her cry on the other side of the line.

“I don't hate you silly, you're my son,” well that is unexpected.

“You don't?” Yixing sees Minseok staring at him with concern in his eyes. Yixing relief his hold on the phone.

“All I want is for you to be happy Yixing, anything else doesn't matter,” Yixing is surprised, really. He never expected that, but maybe he should have given her more credit, she's his mom after all.

“I'm not dating that boy they're saying I am mom, but I… I have a boyfriend,” he hesitates. How long did he waited  and hoped he could tell her about Junmyeon?

“You do? And when do I get to meet him?” She sounds so so happy and Yixing’s heart skips a beat.

“Soon mom, I promise it's just… I have to go now, okay?” Yixing is already grabbing his stuff, Minseok jumping on his feet at the motion. Before she can say goodbye they're already out of the apartment.

“Is she okay? With all this I mean,” Minseok asks when they're inside the elevator.

“Yeah. Yeah, she is,” Yixing answers, not being able to take his eyes away from his own reflection.

Maybe he shouldn't have kept that for so long from her, maybe he should've trusted her love for him, believed more.

Lying to his own mother is wrong, Yixing is fully aware of that, but he used to think it was necessary. Now that he knows her reaction he's seriously questioning that decision.

Yixing found himself again in the presence of Jongdae of the second time in two days. It was a record for them, but Minseok said they should get used to it, so he's not sure why he's surprised. Maybe it gave him something to think while the president’s secretary speaks his tongue off.

“What are those dates? We have to review that, I'm not sure Yixing has all those nights off,” Minseok is treating this whole thing like a business, as always. He's been doing the most talking, even more than the secretary. Yixing knows it's just Minseok’s way of sticking up for him without saying  _ ‘don't worry I got you’ _ . It makes Yixing glad to know he has a friend in this whole mess.

“I need to check Jongdae’s schedule too,” Joohyun gives them a nod, writing something down on her little notebook. Yixing looks at Jongdae, who's being awfully quiet today. He's staring at the table, unaware, unfazed and Yixing has never seen him look that lost.

“But tonight is okay, right?” The secretary asks, distracted with his own notes. Yixing feels like throwing up.

“Yeah, tonight shouldn’t be a problem,” Minseok shrugs. Not a problem, he says. Yixing exhale is strong, getting Jongdae’s attention from the other side of the table, playing with a pencil he found on the table.

There's a ridiculousness in this whole thing, but also some brilliance. Their names are on the top of every search website and his songs climbed to first place in many music charts quickly, even if his previous album was released months ago. Jongdae’s sales might have gone up too, not that Yixing bothered to check up. So yes, taking the credit and the rush for the first openly gay celebrity couple in Korea was a smart move. Risky, but smart.

Yixing thought about this, coming out to his fans, not having to lie anymore. The timeline was a little messy- he expected to do so only in the distant future, when it wouldn't matter anymore. The  _ how _ is off too, after all he wanted to do this so he could stop pretending, not to get himself into a big, faking show.

Yixing is much of a drama queen, though. He admits - only to himself of course - that he could handle this situation without complaining. He had done it several times in the past, playing a part he didn't want to. It's just another day of work, one more thing on his to-do list.

They don't have to do much after all. A few secret dates the media is bound to find out about couple stuff like jackets and rings that they'd have to use for a while, letting slip some sort of hint about their relationship. Easy breezy.

Yixing can do this for sure. And if he tries things will work out better than he would have expected.

 

Yixing can't do this.

He can't stay inside a room with Jongdae for more than five minutes because chaos will eventually erupt, that's for sure.

Who's stupid idea was to lock them in the practice room? Oh right, Joonhyun. Sweet and innocent Joonhyun-noona. Yixing hates her and not only because she keeps stealing Minseok-hyung to go over “details”, but also because he's trapped here with Mr. Starboy for the rest of his evening. Yixing might as well kill himself if he has to listen to his voice once more.

“Could you stop walking back and forth? You're going to dig a hole in that spot,” Jongdae looked up from the music sheet he's studying to stare intensely at Yixing. He doesn't sound angry, just uninterested.

“Why do you care if I dig a hole or not? I might use it to get away from you,” Yixing voice is bitter. Jongdae’s brows furrow, but Yixing doesn't stop walking.

“We're stuck with each other until the company decides otherwise,” Yixing groans at the reminder, but Jongdae simply ignores. “You could at least try.”

“Do you think I'm not trying pretty boy? Being in the same room as you without attempting murder, now that's progress,” Yixing stops moving to stare at Jongdae in the eye, challenge written all over his face.

He knows this is pointless, provoking the other endlessly. Yet he just can't help wanting to fight Jongdae so badly even though the other is not doing much except going over his songs.

Scratch that, Jongdae is slippy, he's always up to something.

“Look, I don’t know what you have against me,” Jongdae says, trying to ignore Yixing’s snort. “I don't even care at this point to be honest, but you got us in this situation, with your wandering hands and teenager-like brain that can't grasp the idea of discretion when it comes to your cute little innocent boyfriend.”

“Excuse me?” Yixing stares at Jongdae in awe. Jongdae sighs, determined to not fight with Yixing at least for the night.

“Forget about it, I'm too tired for this shit,” he goes back to his papers, not looking up again as Yixing resumes to his walking.

“Oh yes, golden boy and his tight schedule can't find time to squeeze for mere mortals like me,” Yixing’s pushing too hard, not being able to control himself.

Jongdae takes a deep breath. Yixing expects him to talk back, come up with something equally degrading about Yixing.

“That's exactly the point. If you excuse me,” then Jongdae is getting up, ignoring Yixing who's frozen in the spot, mouth hanging open.

For the first time, he realizes as he watches the other gather his stuff and walk away, he's at loss of words for Kim Jongdae.

 

_ Dating _ Kim Jongdae is hard. In all honesty they barely have to spend time together, apart from the few times they shared a practice room for the sake of the show. Somehow it doesn't make anything easier on Yixing’s side.

Everything appears remains the same, despite the upside down turn his life took three weeks ago. Insults are still being thrown on the middle of SM’s building hallways every time he and Jongdae cross paths. Junmyeon is still the positive ball he always was, if not he's more optimistic than before, trying to compensate Yixing’s lack of good thoughts. Still, things are not the same.

Admitting he let the weight of his encounters with Jongdae and all the lectures he’s receiving this days from Minseok bring him down. Yixing accepted the gray heavy cloud floating above his head like it was an old friend.

Life repeats itself sometimes, he thinks, as he remembers when he was nothing but a trainee trying to debut in a foreign country. Yixing does what it's expected of him once again, claiming his old habits of trying and pleasing everyone around him. Some habits are harder to break than others, he guesses.

He works twice as hard now if possible, the unforgivable pace of his practices and appearances practically dragging him. He's allowing people to throw him right and left, and then back again.

He exhaust himself in so he can forget, but the weight of his past regrets seem to persist, sneaking around in the shadows and longing for a good comeback. He feels like he's walking on the tightrope, the strong wind pushing against his skin and lions waiting just below it for a change to bite into his flesh.

Of course no one notices his constant agitated state because this is a place where people lack of sensibility and touch. That's why Yixing finds himself constantly counting to ten, breathing in and out to prevent an explosion. Jongdae also seems to be ten times more annoying.

On this particular day, when Yixing failed to get some sleep the previous night, he seems to be even more insufferable than ever. Yixing just got back from overseas, ready to collapse against any surface near him, but still he had to be around Jongdae.

“Can you dance more quietly?” He mutters from where he's sitting on the leather couch. It's one of those days where them both have to stand each other for ridiculous six hours. Sharing the same practice space and trying to avoid jumping at each other's throat.

“No I can't,” Yixing replies, striping out of his jacket. He was suffering from the combined heating system and blood filling his muscles. Ignoring Jongdae funny look at his shirt, because there's nothing wrong with tank tops, Yixing goes back to dancing.

When Yixing asked earlier to lower down the heat Jongdae had cursed at him, claiming he's still coming down from a cold. Yixing knows now he was just being a little piece of shit, watching through the mirror as redness starts filling Jongdae’s cheeks. If he wants to feel uncomfortable Yixing isn't going to stop him.

“What's the use anyways?” Jongdae mostly talks to himself but with the deadly silence filling the room Yixing hears him anyway.

“If you have something to say just do it,” Yixing spits out, challenging him with a look through the mirror. Jongdae sighs, still staring at his crumbled music sheets.

“Doesn't matter how hard you practice, it won't compensate your lack of talent for singing,” he has his eyes on him now, determined and mean. Yixing knows it's only to make him upset, and normally he wouldn't even bother answering, but today is not a normal day. Yixing is officially full of Jongdae’s unnecessary sassiness.

“Not that you would know about it anyways, you don't know what's like to work hard for something,” Yixing is practically growling.

“Do you think just because you have more years as a trainee you can't look down on others that don't?” Jongdae is standing now, approaching Yixing at a threatening pace. Yixing doesn't steps away, facing Jongdae with his stuffed chest like in a contest for the real alpha male.

“You are the one who seems to think that just because you debuted only after one year you're hot stuff.”

“Maybe you just can't accept the fact that I'm more talented and popular,” Jongdae groans.

“I know people who worked twice as hard as me to get where they are now. Seeing a smug idiot like you place first in the charts simply because you get better songs is everything but comforting,” Yixing is angry. He's so angry he could kill Jongdae right now. He'd probably do it if didn't mean he was going to prison and Jongdae is definitely not worth throwing his life away.

“And you think I didn't deserve it any more than any of you,” it's not a question, it's a statement. When Yixing looks at Jongdae this time he almost apologizes. “I earned my place in this company. I might have not done it in the first years but if I was only lucky I wouldn't live through the first two years before they found a new shining star. I earned everything I got as much as you did and there's nothing your jealous thoughts could produce as an excuse that would make me forget that,” Jongdae finishes his monologue and just stares at Yixing, tears accumulating in the corner of his eyes, making Yixing’s stomach fall to the floor, now regretting every word he let out on him. But before he can reach out to Jongdae, before he has the decency to admit he crossed the line, Jongdae is bumping against Yixing's shoulder and grabbing his things in a rush.

He storms out of the room before Yixing can even figured out what to say, stuck in the same spot for good ten minutes until Minseok comes to him and starts yelling about being late again. These days Yixing seems to be late for everything.

 

“I'm here,” Yixing calls out to the empty hallway when he opens the door to Junmyeon’s apartment. He sees his boyfriend’s running shoes, right next to Kyungsoo’s unmistakable pair of black converses. There's also glossy Oxfords that have his brows furrowed in confusion as he drags his sore, socked feet across the wooden floor.

Before he enters the kitchen Junmyeon is already at its door waiting for him. There's a smile on his lips that never fails to lift the weight off of Yixing’s shoulders. He reaches out a hand for Yixing and Yixing takes it without hesitation. Lacing their fingers together, Yixing buries his face on the crock of Junmyeon’s neck, inhaling the strong scent of his boyfriend’s expensive perfume. All his concerns are washed away when Junmyeon wraps his arms around Yixing and squeeze him, his warm breath ghosting his ear. Yixing stays there for who knows how long, forgetting about his curiosity and the shoes at the entrance, about Jongdae and their weird fight. He forgets everything but Junmyeon’s scent and the feeling of his heart beating against Yixing’s skin.

He drags the moment until Junmyeon is pulling him away gently, like he wants to say something. Yixing doesn't let him though, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss and pushing his boyfriend against the wall, the way he knows will make Junmyeon’s legs feel like jelly. He muffles the gasp that escapes his boyfriend’s mouth, sucking at his tongue the way Junmyeon loves. There are steady hands on his neck, warming the skin that was being constantly hit by the wind until minutes ago.

Yixing squeezes his waist, lifting the shirt just a bit so he can drags his cold fingers across the hot skin, sending a shock down the other’s spine. When Junmyeon moans at the contact there's a loud cough, coming from behind him, that's makes Yixing let go of Junmyeon. They panting and already looking like a mess, but Yixing finds the source of the sound.

He is petrified at the sight of Kyungsoo sitting at the table, pretending to be as unfazed as always, though the redness spreading across his neck and ears tell Yixing otherwise. There's someone else too, sitting next to him, staring at them with an amused smile that makes Yixing feel weird.

Junmyeon clears his throat behind him, making Yixing turn to stare at the blush on his face, burning from embarrassment.

“That's a whole new level of PDA,” the unknown guy smiles and Junmyeon forces chuckle to ease the awkwardness in the air.

“It already crossed the line between PDA and Junmyeon’s voyeurism antics,” Kyungsoo jokes and he's smiling at Yixing. Yixing gives him a smile of his own, not having to turn around to know Junmyeon is getting redder and redder every time they speak. Junmyeon quickly jumps in, trying to stop their  _ Tease the Junmeyon _ game.

“Yixing this is Sehun,” Junmyeon clears his throat, small hand touching Yixing’s low back. Yixing is not sure if it's to reassure him or stead Junmyeon after their semi-public making out.

“It's so nice to finally met the famous Yixing!” Sehun drops his resting face - Yixing finds out it's not intentional it's just how he looks -, smiling at Yixing. There's a glee in his eyes and he's being checked out like you do with competition, but Yixing refuses to let paranoia take over him. “Junmyeon-hyung talks a lot about you. Should I call you hyung?”

“If you want to. Nice to meet you too,” Yixing shakes his hand, feeling Sehun squeeze it more than would be normally acceptable. “I'm sorry I can't say the same though.” That's Yixing trying to sass this guy, and if everyone in the room knows that they prefer to ignore and move on.

“He is the son of my father’s best friend,” innocent and oblivious Junmyeon, smiles and sits down across the other two, pulling Yixing to do the same. “We’ve known each other since Sehun was born,” Junmyeon shrugs. It never fails to make Yixing internally squeal at the adorableness.

“He was overseas for a while,” Kyungsoo helps, but Yixing remains confuse.

“Why you never mentioned him?” He asks in confusion.

“I thought I did though,” Junmyeon stutters and makes Yixing sure he's not being paranoid and this guy is competition, as stupid as it sounds.

So by the end of the night Yixing is sure he doesn't like Sehun. He doesn't like Sehun's badly bleached hair, doesn't like his thick eyebrows. For everything that's sacred, he hates Sehun’s obnoxious laughs that he rarely attempts to hide behind his beer bottle. Yixing makes faces every time he cracks a joke and keeps himself from laughing, doesn't matter how funny it is. He also touches Junmyeon here and there when he thinks Yixing is not looking.

He doesn't say anything though, because they're childhood friends and Yixing doesn't have base for any kind of complaint. Junmyeon would just laugh it off anyways, especially if there is really something. Also Yixing hates to feel paranoid so he just sits there and doesn't laugh at Sehun’s terrible jokes, squeezing Junmyeon’s hand. 

He sometimes slides his fingers between the other's thigh until Junmyeon is shyly pushing him away. Yixing  focus on drawing invisible circles on Junmyeon’s thighs, sipping his juice to accompany Kyungsoo in his sobriety. Junmyeon and Sehun are far gone the more they enter the night and the conversation escalates.

Yixing finally can breathe when the time on the wall clock tells them it's no longer Friday. Kyungsoo decides he needs to go home and Sehun accepts his offer for a ride. Junmyeon also offers himself to take him but the three of them can see how tired he looks, with purple bags pooling below his eyes and lids barely capable of remaining open for more than a few seconds.

Kyungsoo also offers to take Yixing home but he denies, smile steady on his face as he holds the door open for them.

“I asked Minseok to pick me up here, tomorrow morning,” Yixing smiles and again something flash briefly on Sehun’s eyes.

“Alright, don't forget to use protection kids,” he jokes, heart-shaped smile lifting his cheeks. Sehun also grins as they watch Junmyeon’s face burn for the millionth time.

They wave their final goodbyes when the elevator arrives. Yixing and Junmyeon wait at the entrance until the doors are closed and they're finally alone.

It doesn't last more than a breath, Junmyeon pushing Yixing inside the apartment closing the door behind him with his foot. He almost falls by doing so and Yixing laughs, filling the room with a sound Junmyeon was longing for. Junmyeon himself smiles before approaching Yixing, this time back to his normal clumsy and shy self.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Junmyeon whisper echoes inside the apartment and through Yixing’s body. He can smells the alcohol in his boyfriend’s breath knowing it the cause of his clumsiness. He also has a bold look in his eyes and his voice is full of second and third intentions, sending a heat down to Yixing's stomach. There's a bit of hesitation from both parts, anticipating thickening the air and making every breath they take harder than the last. Then Yixing is crossing the short distance between them, pulling Junmyeon up and holding him close by the back of his thighs. He's light and Yixing is strong, so he manage to move them to the closest surface, the table in the living room. They don't waste time, clasping their mouths against one another right away.

Junmyeon touches every inch of Yixing’s skin, following the instructions of a map he already traced a long time ago as the other makes sure he's sitting still and secure at the table.

There's no surprise, the familiar feeling of the warmth of their hand, fingers digging in the curves that they know as well as their own. The movement of their mouths together coming as easy as breathing or blinking.

Yixing squeeze Junmyeon’s thighs with full strength this time, teasing with hands close to where he wants. He delights himself with the moans that he takes from Junmyeon’s lips, swallowing every single one with hunger. Everything is so familiar, just the same for whenever they're as intimate as right now.

“Yixing,” Junmyeon half moans, half breaths his name out and Yixing let it get to his head, pulling him closer with his hands on his ass.

“Having a problem breathing, darling?” and Yixing being insanely stable after getting Junmyeon at this deplorable state actually makes him feel hot on the inside.

“Fuck,” Junmyeon gasps, clutching his hands to Yixing’s white shirt and his hair as Yixing visits the soft skin of Junmyeon’s neck. He's nibbling and sucking hard enough to leave the feeling longing but prevent an unwanted spot later.

“We're getting there,” Yixing leaves his neck for after to pull the shirt off of Junmyeon’s body, coming down as soon as it is discarded on the floor. He bites at Junmyeon collar bones, pushing him back to lean on his elbows against the table. Then bites at one of his nipples, earning an encouraging gasp that leads him to lick the other nipple, sucking at the skin around it.

Yixing can't drag this out, with how tired both of them are and having to be up early the next morning. He doesn't think he will anyway, if the way Junmyeon is easily coming apart under him is anything to go by.

His hands keep wandering, tracing the hard lines of Junmyeon’s stomach and squeezing at his soft sides. Junmyeon has his legs wrapped around Yixing’s torso, pulling him and silently begging for some friction Yixing will keep denying until the last moment.

Yixing gets rid of the pants now that they're nothing but a nuisance. He occupies himself with the skin of his stomach, sucking with more strength than before so he could mark his way down.

Just because they have done it countless times before doesn't mean the warm feeling spreading inside Junmyeon is less intense. When his underwear is discarded to the floor or his moans are less when Yixing finally puts his mouth to good use. Licking and sucking around the head of Junmyeon flushed member, Yixing stares into Junmyeon eyes.

“Yixing,” Junmyeon chokes his name out, struggling to keep going, “Condom.”

“It's okay,” Yixing takes his mouth away from the tip, making Junmyeon cry out. He attempts to push him back by the fingers in his hair locks before stopping midway. “That is more than okay, too.” Yixing smiles and Junmyeon can't keep himself from saying his name when Yixing takes him in his mouth again, sinking further than before in one single motion. Junmyeon’s body jerks when the head hits Yixing’s throat. He can't help but think about the raw sensation of his boyfriend’s mouth without the coating layer between them. It intensifies Junmyeon’s reactions, being buried deep inside the velvet-like flesh of Yixing’s mouth. He moans louder than he ever did when Yixing hollow his cheeks, coming up to give the tip small licks. The hand that's not helping with the blowjob, stroking Junmyeon’s shaft at the same rhythm as his mouth sucks, reaches down for his tighs. Yixing strokes Junmyeon's sensitive skin without losing concentration.

Junmyeon sighs, circling his nipples between the tip of his fingers, pinching when he feels a tug on his low stomach and let go of another sinful moan. He forgot how good Yixing is at this, combined with the bare feeling of his mouth and hand Junmyeon doesn't think he's going to last long.

“Yixing please stop, I'm going to come like this,” Junmyeon groans and pulls Yixing up when the other chokes on his cock as a retaliation. Yixing refuses to let go of his cock, tasting the bitter skin for the first time, taking everything he can and even more. It's so good and Yixing regrets not dismissing the condom before, if any of Junmyeon’s reactions are to go by he's loving it too, more than the usual. He regrets not being able to try Junmyeon’s real taste before. He wants more, as much as he can get, but he knows Junmyeon is too tired to keep prolonging it so he speeds up, hand working on his boyfriend’s dick and licking and sucking at the head until Junmyeon’s stomach is clenching and his breath is far from steady. It takes no longer than a minute before Junmyeon is crying out, pulling hard at Yixing's hair and making his moans tremble against his cock.

Junmyeon finally comes inside Yixing’s mouth when Yixing hollow his cheeks, working him through his orgasm. He swallow everything before Junmyeon can even protest. Junmyeon allows his body to collapse against the table, still shaking somehow.

His boyfriend’s taste is bitter but makes Yixing sighs in satisfaction like he is the one who just came, like his painfully hard erection isn't pressing against his jeans, begging to come out and to be touched.

Junmyeon manages to catch his breath after a while, Yixing stroking the inside of his thighs and kissing his hips in the meanwhile. The first things he does is sit up and bring Yixing in by the collar of his shirt, pressing their lips together in a hot mess of a kiss.

Junmyeon hums as he tastes himself in Yixing’s tongue, swallowing every tentative for air of Yixing's between their clasping mouths. Junmyeon mouth still taste like beer, bitter and cold, but Yixing doesn't find it in him to care when Junmyeon’s hands are grabbing him by his ass and pressing their crotches together. That's when Junmyeon realizes Yixing is still fully clothed and hard.

“Let me...” Junmyeon starts coming down from the table but Yixing is faster, pushing him back.

“Don't worry about me. You're tired, we should go to bed,” Yixing says, butting at his own lips.

“No way I'm leaving you hanging after that,” Junmyeon is smiling, popping the button of Yixing’s pants. He finds it hard to say no when Junmyeon looks like a wreck, whispering those words like a secret. “I'll be quick,” he says and Yixing doesn't doubt his promise, with the way he's hard and aching for it.

Junmyeon doesn't waste time, only putting Yixing’s pants down enough so he can pull his pulsing member out. He doesn't wait for Yixing to react, stroking his shaft while he bites at Yixing collarbones, careful enough not to stain the sensitive skin. The harsh brush of Junmyeon’s skin is dry without the help of some lube or his boyfriend saliva, but Yixing still sighs at the touch. He's relieved about getting any kind of friction for his throbbing cock, sending little electric shocks through his body.

Yixing lets his head hang low, nose buried into the crown of hair on Junmyeon’s head and breathing in the scent of his natural shampoo. He knows it's the only part of his boyfriend that smells fresh, body covered in sweat and long dipped in the scent of sex that's makes Junmyeon even more irresistible to Yixing. He moans at the thought, squeezing Junmyeon’s neck when the hand on his cock does the same, tightening its grip and going on a faster pace than before.

Yixing fills himself with images of Junmyeon spreading himself for Yixing to take, crying out Yixing’s name.

He’s more delighted with the view of Junmyeon here, sitting on this table and moaning along with Yixing.

They exchange looks through half closed eyelids, feeling deep pleasure in the sounds he's managing to get out of Yixing. Yixing wonders if he's also thinking about Yixing burying himself inside him, letting him clench around Yixing as he pleases. Either that or Junmyeon really likes the weight of Yixing’s cock on his hands, the skin sliding against skin as the sound of their fast breaths fill the room, along with Yixing’s and Junmyeon's moans.

“Junmyeon I- Shit!” Yixing feels a familiar warmth spreading from his bellybutton to his legs and chest. It makes him lightheaded, before he's sucking in his stomach and curving towards Junmyeon’s body, head on his shoulder as he comes all over his hand and bare stomach.

The muscles of his stomach burn and his legs feel worn out but Yixing remains still, standing next to the table, trying to breath normally again. Junmyeon pampers him with kisses on the shoulder and whispers in his ears and Yixing can't find it in himself to move anyway.

Somehow they find their way into Junmyeon’s room, after they catch their breaths and cleaned the table. Managing to grab the discarded clothes from the floor and clean themselves properly, they stumble their way to the bed without sparing a single glance at the clock on the nightstand.

Maybe they should've because the next morning the sound from the phone comes way too soon for any of them to like. When the alarm goes off it draws despair groans from both of them.

Yixing rolls to his side, voicing his  complaints about Junmyeon being too far. He hated that large bed from the moment he laid eyes on it, knowing it’s length is the reason why he would wake up to empty arms more than once in awhile.

He rest his head on Junmyeon’s chest, breathing in the fresh smell of his boyfriend’s soft skin. Junmyeon groans at Yixing’s sudden weight on top of him, muttering something about Kyungsoo before swiping his legs off the bed and onto the floor.

He send a smile Yixing’s way, warm and fresh and so Junmyeon-like, before grabbing a shirt from a pile of clothes that Yixing suspected was accumulating on the floor longer than it should.

Yixing watches the autumn sunlight reflects through the window, slipping inside the room and bathing Junmyeon’s pale complexion.

Yixing always thought of Junmyeon as the Sun. He couldn't help really, when the warmth of his touch was so endearing and his smile could brighten up any dark corner of the room. Junmyeon was his own, bright light and no one dared to question that. It's part of the reason why Yixing loves him so much, but was something he thought about way too much in the past. For how long he would be able to stand next to the Sun, exposed to its light, before he went blind?

But there's not a single drop of hesitation left in Yixing when it comes to Junmyeon. Maybe that's why they're so good together, Yixing never compiling because he has to, but rather because he had wanted to.

He doesn't tear his eyes away from Junmyeon, embracing the light that could incapacitate him. When Junmyeon’s weight dips the end of the mattress, and he's asking what is wrong, Yixing responds silently by grabbing him by the thighs and dropping his weight on top of Yixing’s naked body. Junmyeon gasp dies inside his throat when Yixing’s mouth finds his. 

There's nothing sexy or sweet about it, bad morning breaths mixed with the still present taste of sex and each other, but neither of them care enough to pull away, busy with trembling fingers and certain thoughts.

The phone buzzes on the nightstand, loud enough for them to break apart, groaning in unisense. Junmyeon 

“It's Minseok-hyung,” Yixing groans again, throwing his arm over his eyes. He wants to melt into Junmyeon’s expensive mattress and die.

“Come on, you need to eat before you leave,” Junmyeon is pushing him away. Yixing laughs at him, rolling over Junmyeon, who groans in complaint, before 

“I’m up, I’m up,” Yixing drags himself across the bedroom, going for the closet. He grabs a shirt he knows is large enough, since Junmyeon is much smaller than him with the intent of showering. As Yixing walks by the bed, he slaps Junmyeon’s ass, laughing at how his boyfriend lets out a  high pitched scream.

“Asshole,” he hears Junmyeon screaming but he’s already turning on the shower, water muffling the sound.

When Yixing comes out ten minutes later he can smell the coffee scent filling the apartment. His hair is dripping water on Junmyeon’s shirt, but Yixing ignores it, dragging his old jeans across the floor, walking to the kitchen with no time to spare. He finds Junmyeon sitting on the counter, next to the coffee machine, and can't control the urge to roll his eyes at him.

“Seriously why do you have to sit there,” Yixing complains but he’s smiling, tugging at his boyfriend’s pants to get his full attention. Junmyeon tears his eyes away from his phone, taking a sip of his coffee as he gives Yixing a look. Junmyeon chokes on the drink though, almost spilling it all over himself. Yixing pats his back until he can breath properly. “What’s wrong? Am I too handsome?”

Junmyeon doesn’t answer for a while, he just stares like Yixing is a ghost and not his boyfriend who slept over last night. He only speaks when Yixing starts to panic, “Yeah, something like that,” Junmyeon plays along, smiling. Yixing can tell in a heartbeat that’s it’s fake, but he doesn't push.

“I found this in your closet, do you mind?” Yixing grabs his mug on the counter, filling it with coffee until he can't anymore.

Junmyeon shakes his head, his eyes stuck on the floor. Yixing rests his hips on the counter,next to where he's sitting, and tries to take a look at Junmyeon.

“Is everything okay?” He asks, in a low tone, afraid he would scare Junmyeon away.

“I'm fine,” Junmyeon cleans his throat, making Yixing furrow his brows silently. “Are you meeting Jongdae today?”

“I'm not sure,” Yixing sighs. “We had a fight…”

“You always fight,” Junmyeon reasons, interrupting Yixing.

“Yeah I know, but I crossed the line this time,” Junmyeon only stares at him, eyebrows shooting up in his forehead. Yixing never admits he's wrong when it comes to Jongdae. Somehow whatever reaction he could have with any other human being changed when the matter it's Kim Jongdae.

“That's okay,” Junmyeon opens his legs as an invitation for Yixing to step between, lacing his fingers on the back of his neck when he does. “Jongdae will understand.”

“I'm not sure,” Yixing argues back. Junmyeon just lift his eyebrows, shooting him a silent look Yixing knows well.

“Maybe you could apologize,” Junmyeon offers then. Yixing jumps, surprised by Junmyeon’s words. Could Yixing do it?

“Maybe. Whatever,” Yixing mumbles against the rim of his mug. But both of them know It's half hearted, making Junmyeon laugh at him, pulling Yixing closer to his body.

“What time are you leaving?” he asks, lips brushing against Yixing’s as he whispers. While Yixing was showering Junmyeon must have brushed his teeth, since now his breath smells like fresh mint, hitting Yixing’s cheek.

“Soon,” Yixing says in a warning tone, hearing Junmyeon laugh in return.

“We can still have fun,” he whispers again, voice blowing in Yixing’s ear. Yixing flinches, away from the fresh air hitting his bare skin.

Saying no to Junmyeon is like lecturing a puppy. He will have a look with big, teary eyes and make heartbreaking noises that haunt anyone for the rest of their lives. Yixing knows better than to do it, unless he wants Junmyeon to bring it up for the rest of the month as an excuse for Yixing to agree with everything he comes up with. But if he gives in and leaves Junmyeon to do as he pleases he won't leave this apartment today. Yixing feels like he’s inside the lion’s cage. The most reasonable thing to do then is avoid it at any cost until he's free from Junmyeon’s deathly grip.

“How's your mom?” Junmyeon asks, shifting the mood completely. Yixing has to control himself so he doesn't go on his knees and thanks.

“She's good,” Yixing smiles. He didn't expect to have that answer, he also didn't remember to tell Junmyeon about their conversation. “I told her about us.”

“Really? What did she say?” Junmyeon asks. 

“She wants to meet you.”

“How did that happen?” Junmyeon sounds surprised and Yixing wants to rolls his eyes. As if any mother in the world wouldn't like to have him as a son-in-law. Yixing laughs him off, pulling Junmyeon down for a kiss.

 

“They canceled today’s photoshoot,” It's the first thing Minseok tells him when Yixing jumps in the car. He usually comes and pick Yixing up all by himself, but today's he’s in the passenger seat. Yixing smiles at the driver anyways, almost unbothered by the change of planes.

“Good morning to you too, hyung,” he says, handing him and the driver coffee. The driver smiles at him, mouthing a thank you while Minsek continues to speak. 

“Did you hear me? You're going to the studios, start working on your season’s album,” Yixing wants Minseok to chill, just for once in his life.

“I knew it would happen,” Yixing shrugs, “The shoot, I mean. I knew someone would turn me down eventually.” Yixing knew it would happen, that doesn't mean it makes the situation any better. But Minseok is always complaining he has more white hairs than a person at his age should and Yixing doesn't want to drive him off for the second time this month. So Yixing do the thing he does best, smile and lie. For someone who doesn't like to be fake he seems to be doing that quite a lot these days.

Minseok sighs, running a hand through his hair, blueish green this time. “That happened before already, it's not because you're gay.”

“It's going to happen more and more now,” Yixing smiles, trying to convince Minseok it's okay. “Don't worry though, I knew this would happen,” he repeats his words, hoping Minseok will listen this time.

“I thought it would be bad too, okay? We knew this was a side effect. They took a long shot with this and honestly it's been good for you, Xing.”

“I know, it isn't that bad. I thought my career would be over,” he fixes the collar of his shirt, pulling it away from his neck. “I can handle a canceled Magazine shoot.”

“That's good,” Minseok turns around to smile at him, “Now let's get you to Seungwan before she kills us,” he tries to hold his laugh when Yixing groans. Any other time he would have loved the chance to get into a studio, but with the holidays around the corner and being too soon for them to even discuss next year’s album, Yixing knows what it means. 

“There is a special place in hell for people that attempt to plot about Christmas songs before December,” Yixing cries out, sliding down on his seat. He really can't run away from his life.

 

The studios are unforgivably cold today. Seungwan did mention something about the heater being broken before leaving him alone in the room, looking for some tea and muffins. Yixing let her because Seungwan does not function without muffins, something he had to learn the hard way.

Yixing pushed his feet against the floor, spinning in the chair. He laughs at his own silliness, leaning back on the leather chair and allowing his body to sink in it. He tries to ignore the shivers, running his hands up and down his arm once in awhile. Despite the temperature, Yixing feels at ease inside the recording studio. Each producer has one for them, to do whatever they want and helps with creativity. Seungwan has black fury carpet and a leather couch on hers. Save from a few pink cushions and the red walls everything here is black. The yellow lights never fail to electrify his skin, making the hairs of his arm lift. The buzz of it makes him jump on his seat, expectation getting the better of him out.

Yixing loves composing, second to being on stage. There's something about laying out his feelings on a paper, so he can sing them out of his heart later on. That's something he's been doing ever since he first met Seungwan, the nice aspiring songwriter that he met at the company. She used to look through the small windows in each door, searching for some inspiration.

They have been working together since day one and anytime Yixing needs new songs this is the place he wants to be. This room brings the best of his creativity, and everytime he's steps inside it something magical happens, his fingers start itching right away.

That's why Yixing can't wait for Seungwan come back, reaching for the notebook on the table, scribbling down some things he's been thinking about lately. Perhaps they're not Christmas enough but he knows Seungwan can work her magic later.

“Started without me?” Yixing tears his eyes from the paper he filled with words, looking up at Seungwan by the door. She didn't grow much since Yixing met her a decade ago. Her face did change, from that childish mischievous look she used to carry around that did wonders in charming everyone. Yixing thought he could be in love with her some day and, had he not figured out he likes men, he probably would have dated her. They seemed like the perfect couple for a lot of people, the innocent and polite boy with the exciting and playful girl. She liked her hair pitch black and cross her heart that she'd never ever do something to damage it. Seven years later and now her long strands were burning red, falling like a cascade over her narrow shoulders. Her smile is something too, Yixing can't put his finger on it, but somehow it can make you feel comfortable, that makes you exposed. Well, not in a bad way,But still really intimate. He did go around asking once and he's certainly not the only one that feels this way around Seungwan, but probably the first that was able to explain it.

He realizes he's ignoring her question when starts pouting but Yixing promptly ignore that too.

“Just writing down some ideas,” he reaches for the cup Seungwan hands him, blowing at the overheated liquid before taking a small sip.

“You're going to burn your tongue,” Seungwan says amused, at the same time Yixing puts his tongue out, extremely red at the tip and throbbing in pain. She laughs at him, dropping her body on the other chair by the control table. Just like Yixing she spins it, with her feet barely touching the ground for the necessary impulse.

The reason why they work so well together is probably because their personalities are similar. Seungwan is just as positive minded as Yixing, smiling at every encounter with difficulties. She calls procrastination “time out” and thinks her blocks are actually the universe telling her she needs to slow down. Her interior kid always play well with Yixing’s, both forming a great team worth of many awards. And also Yixing simply likes her. 

“Let me see,” she reaches for the notebook slipping from Yixing’s hand, grabbing it before he can protest. “This is different,” she runs her eyes through the page, sipping at her drink. The smoke from the hot beverage scapes the rim of the cup, covering Yixing’s clear view of her face, but he can see her eyebrow furrowing.

“What do you mean  _ different _ ?” Yixing snorts, trying to play it cool. If Seungwan looked up from the notebook though, she would see Yixing shifting nervously in his seat.

“Your lyrics are always honest, oppa,” Seungwan hands him the notebook back and the corners other lips curl up. “We've known each other for such a long time but you never open yourself up to me. But your lyrics do.” 

Yixing looks down at the words he scribbled on the yellow page, running his fingers through the crumbled corner. The words, no matter how real they sound, just come to him. He doesn't think about them, he probably never will, but they're still there, in every song he sings and every note he plays. 

“What about these?” He looks up to meet her eyes. “What they tell you?”

“That you're sad and confused,” she looks at him, apologetically. Yixing feels like screaming his lungs out, but he knows that would be rude to do near Seungwan, so he just settles with another snort.

“Confused is just an understatement,” he ignores the look she sends him, pretending to read the words he wrote once again.

“Is it because of Jongdae?” She stares blankly at Yixing, taking him by surprise at the sudden question. Seungwan doesn't know about Junmyeon. Or his relationship with Jongdae is fake. Yixing didn't think this situation through, like he always seem to do these days.

“I'm-,” Yixing tries to speak but she's cutting him off again.

“I wish you had told me,” she's pouting again except now she sounds really hurt. It makes Yixing’s heart squeeze inside his chest. 

“I'm sorry Seung,” he tries to smile, blowing away the uneasiness in the air.

“That's okay oppa, I'm happy for you. Honestly you really tricked me,” she laughs and Yixing feels better instantaneously but only for a bit. “Acting like you hated him while you were actually pining over each other.”

“I never pinned over him,” Yixing is quick to say, almost hitting himself after because he sounded so desperate.

“Well, maybe  _ you _ didn’t,” she agrees, making Yixing confused with her words. “Anyway, I would've supported you, oppa. A hundred percent Team Yixing,” she throws her fist up, punching the air before going back to her serious facade.

“Thank you,” Yixing whispers, hand resting over her when she comes for the notebook in his hands. He wishes he could say I'm sorry, for deceiving her too. But Minseok warned him about leaving people out of it, just to be sure. Yixing wonders how many people he still has to hurt for the sake of this horror show.

“I'm not going to be invasive, at least _not yet_ ,” she laughs and Yixing can help but follow, “But I feel like you need to write down your feelings. Let's write some songs for Jongdae,” she sounds excited to Yixing and he wants to feel the same way, but he can't.

He looks down, at the things he wrote on the paper and maybe, just maybe, that song will be about Jongdae. He doesn't think too much about it anyways, letting go of any hesitation and just letting this go with the flow. 

Yixing is quick after so many years and with the way his skills improved. Seungwan points his mistakes, helping with the words that never fail to slip from his mind.

Three hours go by fast and, by then, they have half of the songs ready to the next step.

That's when Yixing finds himself laying on the couch, a notebook with crumbled pages on his lap as he tries to keep his eyes open. It's really hard, especially after Seungwan left for an appointment, dropping the silence like a bomb in the room. He certainly doesn't like when it's this quiet, allowing himself to hear his own haunting thoughts, bordering madness as he tries to not overthink so damn much. But that's just who he is, a concentrated mass of constant stress and worry. He is being contradictory to himself, sleep creeping under his skin and relaxing his limbs on the leather, but mind never more awake like now.

He thinks. About Junmyeon and his mom, about this mess he's in right now. He thinks about Kim Jongdae and how confusing he can be to Yixing, how frustrating and tiring the thought of him has made Yixing feel. He also thinks about Sehun, Junmyeon’s childhood friend who feels way too friendly. It's just another topic on the list of things Yixing throws at the ‘Give a Fuck’ pile when actually the thought shouldn't even be crossing his mind.

Yixing is so worn out he could sleep right there, on Seungwan’s cold couch but his mind won't relax and allow him to drown in the land of dreams. It only keeps his alert, eyes traveling across the ceiling, which he finds not as interesting as the darkness of his closed eyelids. If Yixing actually could keep his mind in check, if he had a great control of it he wouldn't be in this situation in first place. But he could keep if from wandering too far, away from the images of Junmyeon smiling and panting, covered in sweat. He could keep it from emptying itself from all his worries in life just to fill in with the sounds Junmyeon made whenever Yixing touched him inappropriately, the way his muscles tightening under Yixing’s calloused fingers and relaxed at the touch of his wet tongue. He certainly wasn't thinking about last night, how Junmyeon came so fast and hard because Yixing ditched the condom. No, Yixing couldn't think about that and he isn't thinking about that right now. He certainly isn't feeling bothered by the heat surrounding him. No, because that's the heater that someone finally fixed, and not the way his body is warming up with the sexual thoughts of his boyfriend. Yixing definitely isn't starting to get hard and tight inside his pants. 

Yixing needs to call Minseok so he can leave and take care of his  _ problem _ , but Minseok will only laugh at him, drag him to the practice rooms and lock him there. Yixing can't touch himself either, at least not here, inside Seungwan’s recording studio. He has to settle with the third option, thinking about fluffy little things, his grandmother pinching his cheeks and his grandfather eating rice. But it isn't working, not even by one bit, and Yixing wants to die, running a hand through his face and groaning really loud. He wants to stump his feet out of frustration but that would be too childish of him.

Yixing runs his hand through his hair, trying to fix it the best he can as he gets up from the couch. He need to calm himself down, he decides.

Pulling his sweater down to cover his bulge the best he can, Yixing walks out of the studio and towards the bathrooms. He prays for the hallway to be empty as he walks past the many many doors and tries to ignore the possibility of someone stumbling on him. 

But the odds are, as always, against Yixing and in the first corner he bumps into someone. Amber stands in front of Yixing staring at him with amusement in her eyes, as Yixing bows down many times and apologizes nonstop. She's quite something, this one. Amber is intimidating at first, with her tattoos and foreign manners that give in she's not from here, the way she speaks loudly and have no boundaries whatsoever. Yixing had been afraid to shake her hand the first time they met for God’s sake, but then she played him the demo of a ballad she wrote. It's one of Yixing’s favourites to this day, and he instantly felt bad at the time. She's the reason he once realized is not good to make assumptions, or to judge anyone before you really get to know them. Yixing sometimes forget about that though, so it's good to meet with her like this, walking around the corridors and exchanging small talk. But right now Yixing would've preferred if they didn't.

“Hey oppa, what are you doing?” Amber is a extremely touchy person and Yixing has to fight the urge to flinch when she puts a small hand on his back, smiling brightly. It's not because he doesn't like it, but considering he has a problem down there the situation is not ideal.

“I was writing Jongdae and decided to look for songs,” Yixing stutters, saying the name of the first person he could think off, making Amber laugh. “I mean-,” He quickly tries to correct his second mistake but she interrupts him.

“Don't worry, I got you,” she smiles and runs a hand through her short hair cut, fixing the hazel locks the best she can. 

“So,” Yixing clears his throat and Amber flinches at the harshness of his act but Yixing can't think about trivial things when he's panicking. “I'm going to… Keep looking,” Yixing tries to give her a genuine smile, hoping that Jongdae could be useful for once in his life.

“Don't worry, brave knight, your search is over. Your prince is in my studio,” she flash her brows up and down, looking even more entertained than before. Yixing grimaces, wanting to throw himself against the wall and cry because of fucking course Jongdae is with her right now. Out of all times and all people, he's with Amber and Yixing stumbled on her. “Come on, I'll take you there.”

“Oh, that's okay then, I can reach out for him later,” Yixing tries to argue but her hand is still on his back, holding him still as if she's expecting Yixing to run away.

“Nonsense,” Amber doesn't let Yixing say anything else, pushing him in the direction of her studio. Yixing stumbles at first, letting himself be dragged by Amber while he mentally curses his damn mouth once again.

“Not, but seriously I don't want to be a nuisance or something,” Yixing gives it one last try, when they are standing at the red door of Amber’s studio. Amber rolls her eyes and give him a look like she's questioning him.

“Jongdae is probably on his phone or doing something equally useless,” Amber opens the door and urges him in. “You're not interrupting any work, right Jongdae?” 

As promised Jongdae has his eyes glued to his phone, slumped down on his stomach, all over the leather couch. He lifts his cheek on the armrest to see what the hell Amber is talking about, when he finally notices Yixing standing at the door. There's surprise written all over his face, body jumping up and off the couch. He seems nervous at first but a few seconds in Yixing thinks he finally remembers last time they met. His face is twisting into something more angry, fists curling in next to his body. So Yixing stays at the door, not daring to flinch a single muscle and holding his breath, afraid that if he moves Jongdae is going to punch him right on the spot.

“I found this one lost in the hallway. He was calling for you,” at the sound of Amber’s voice Jongdae relaxes his fists, making Yixing release his breath.

“For me?” His eyebrows furrow in confusion. Amber nods, pushing Yixing further inside to close the door behind her. Yixing watches, without leaving his spot, as she settles down on her chair and spin around just like he and Seungwan did earlier. He wants to laugh at it but the weight of Jongdae’s searching eyes are still on him, scaring away any easiness in him.

“Sit down,” Amber urges him with her hands, rolling the chair to him and pushing him into the center of the room. Yixing guesses that this situation couldn't get any worse, so he takes a seat on the other chair, right in front of Jongdae. He's still standing, looking at Yixing like he's deciding if he can stay or not.

“What do you want with me?” His voice is low and Yixing blinks a few times, trying to make out what he said. He doesn't look that much angry, Yixing notices as Jongdae slumps down on the couch, phone forgotten on the space next to him. 

“I- Do you want to... I don't know, grab a coffee or something,” Yixing doesn't want to stutter, because that's ridiculous and would make them think he's nervous. He really can't help how the words come out though.

“Why should I?” Jongdae’s voice is bitter and Yixing gives his a look and tilts his head at Amber. Jongdae rolls his eyes, staring at Yixing like he's ridiculous. “She knows,” he simply says.

One, two heartbeats and Yixing  _ finally _ understands. “Oh,” He whispers and Amber starts laughing, watching their interaction like it's the best show she'd ever seen.

“Stop having fun out of my misery,” Jongdae says to her and it Yixing’s chest stings.

“I'm sorry lover boy, I can't,” she's still laughing and Jongdae gives Amber the nastiest look. Then he's turning to Yixing, ignoring his friend’s laugh.

“I can't tonight,” he's professional, just like Yixing expected. It makes him realize that apologizing it's going to be even harder than he expected. 

“Rain check?” Amber jumps into the conversation in Yixing's favor, making Jongdae give her another eyebrows-up look. Yixing gives her a thankful look instead, wondering how desperate he must look right now for her to take his side instead.

Jongdae meet Yixing’s eyes, holding the stare for a moment. Yixing almost falls off his chair, leaning forward, expectation flooding his mind. Jongdae groans, throwing his head back. “Okay,” he spits out like the words are his cherry medicine, but it doesn't kill Amber’s excitement scream. Yixing allows a smile to spread across his face, meeting Jongdae’s eyes for a moment, before the later tears his gaze away quickly. Yixing doesn't think much of the blush settling itself on Jongdae’s face.

 

When October's Fall hits the city and the end of the year gets near is hard not to find Yixing inside a practice room, dancing with the lights off or sliding his fingers across the piano tiles. If you're looking for Yixing, that's the first place you have to go for. And he had recurred to this particular one for the past few weeks, which means Jongdae had obligatorily been here too once or twice.

That's why when Jongdae shows up tonight, throwing his bag on the floor and laying down on the couch, Yixing knows something is up. He is sure they don't have any schedule together today, he asked Minseok earlier about it, hoping for a chance to meet with Jongdae.

“Don't ask,” Jongdae says, sensing Yixing’s confusion. He's covering his eyes with his forearm but somehow he knows Yixing is tense, “Just keep doing whatever.”

Yixing watches as he sighs and then turns around to keep practicing, deciding to ignore Jongdae at all cost. But maybe something is wrong because Yixing tries and tries the same step over and over, not seeming to get it right. He takes a deep breath, wondering if the lights are the problem.

“Can I turn the lights off?” Yixing asks and Jongdae nods, still covering his eyes. It's not like it would make a difference for him.

Yixing likes to dance with the lights off. It helps him follow the rhythm and only that, allowing his body to perform along with the song without any visual distractions. But tonight, even after the lights are off, only the lantern of his phone lighting up the room, Yixing can't find in himself to focus. Instead he finds himself paying attention to Jongdae’s presence. He doesn't tear his eyes away, focusing on the way the other toss and turn on the couch, until he sits so suddenly at some point, giving up on whatever and pulling his knees to his chest. He pays attention to the other's loud breath, how it fills the room between songs, accompanying Yixing’s unsteady ones. Once in awhile he even ventures with letting their eyes met, pretending it didn't happen at all a second later.

“I'm here to run away from them,” Jongdae finally speaks. Yixing jerks awake from his thoughts, staring at the younger through the mirror. He looking at the floor, biting at his lower lip before bringing himself to keep talking, “This is the last place they would look for me so…”

“You're running away from Joohyun?” Yixing asks, realizing how raw he sounds with his dry throat, and his voice makes Jongdae cringe, probably for sympathy. Yixing gets a low ‘sort of’ from Jongdae as an answer.

But he's still looking at Jongdae, still waiting for him to lift his head, to  _ see  _ Yixing. It isn't until he realizes how mad it sounds that he snaps his head away, fully invested in getting that one step properly done.

He feels when those brown eyes set themselves on him again, but he ignores. He ignores it as much as he can't, along with the weird feeling in his stomach and the dangerous thoughts about an angel’s voice singing for him to dance. He ignores whatever that is and blames everything on his exhaustion.

“When was the last time you slept?” Jongdae makes him stop dancing again. Yixing pretends he was going to grab water anyways.

He goes for the mini fridge, grabbing two bottles and then settles himself on the couch next to Jongdae, handing him one. Jongdae stares at it for a while, brows jumping up on his forehead.

“It's not poisoned,” Yixing says, but his tone is not accusatory or bitter.

Jongdae shrugs, twisting the cap and taking a tentative sip. Yixing rolls his eyes, taking a long sip from his own bottle.

“Why are you running away from your manager team?” Yixing keeps his eyes on the mirror and he does not stare when Jongdae runs his hands through his hair, doesn't matter what his mind tries to accuse him later.

“This and that,” Jongdae shrugs again, “Why are you dancing in the dark?” He finally looks at Yixing in the eye and the latter finds himself incapable of looking away, looking for something he's not sure yet.

“Easier to feel the beat,” Yixing answers. Somehow he can't shut down the curiosity in him, so he pushes further. “Does it have to do with our...?” Yixing lets the question die, unlike the other time the words ‘fake dating’ get stuck on his throat, clogging his air.

Jongdae’s snorts at Yixing’s hesitation, staring at the label of his bottle. “Nothing serious,” he says, barely in a whisper that gets Yixing into full focus mode to understand. Yixing’s still trying to make sense out of this situation, wondering if Jongdae is silently calling for a truce or if he's just letting his weak side take over for a moment.

Yixing eyes remain on Jongdae for as long as the other doesn't notice, watching his features from close. He’s thankful for the darkness swallowing the room that keeps Jongdae from noticing as Yixing tries to make out the outline of his profile. His eyes longing on it, all the way from his jawline to his cheekbones and up to the depression of his tempers. Yixing craves in his mind the curl of his lips, the most significant feature from far. It makes him gulp down hard, now aware of how dry his throat is, when Jongdae takes a sip from his water, lips curling around the bottle’s rim. He always thought Jongdae was good looking, but only now he's really getting the chance to see it from close.

Jongdae keeps himself lost in thoughts, occupied with his own mind while Yixing indulges himself with the false idea that everything remains the same, even though he knows now, looking at the curve of Jongdae’s lashes, everything has changed.

Yixing thinks this is room is too small for both his conscience and Jongdae’s smile and comes up with an excuse to leave. He doesn't understand how something that once drove him up the wall now feels so warm.

“Can I ask for that rain check now?” His voice is barely a whisper, but still manages to startle Jongdae. Jongdae is confused for a moment, tilting his head at Yixing. 

“Oh, that,” his voice is loud and Yixing is still trying to figure it out if it's just the usual Jongdae or if Yixing is an exception to everything he does.

“Yes, that,” Yixing looks down at his shoes, away from magnetic pull of Jongdae’s eyes. He can still feel them following him though, as he picks on his loose shoelaces.

He forces his eyes closed, just waiting for rejection he knows is coming - but hey, he had to try, right? - when he feels Jongdae shifting next to him. Yixing opens his eyes, surprised to see Jongdae on his feet, extending his hand to Yixing. 

“Let's go,” he doesn't look at Yixing while he helps him up, he doesn't say anything else either, busy gathering his stuff and watching as Yixing, still awed by his answer, walks to his backpack and fetches for his clean shirt. Not that he's clean, but it's better than to use his wet, stinky tank top. He takes it off, throwing it inside his bag and, using a towel to dry his sweat, puts on the shirt.

They're out of the door and into the elevator in a minute, silence unfazed between them. It isn't before they reach the garage that Yixing decides to speak.

“I need to say something.”

“My car is over there,” Jongdae speaks at the same time, “I'm sorry,” he looks at him, fetching his car keys inside his jacket’s pocket.

Yixing gets in with awkward, contained movements, sighing at the cold seat and doing his best not to touch it. 

“What do you need to say?” Jongdae turns on the car and the heat, watching as Yixing shivers. “Want a jacket?” He asks rhetorically, reaching the back seat and throwing some dark sweatshirt on Yixing’s lap.

“Where are we going?” Yixing asks, eyeing the sweatshirt. It looks too big for Jongdae, making him question the ownership. 

“You are the one who invented me,” Jongdae is raising an eyebrow at him and it's a good look, Yixing decides. But Jongdae is handsome - Yixing always thought that even when he used to hate his attitude - so every look must be a good one, Yixing concludes.

“I didn't really think about it…” Yixing hesitates, scratching the back of his head. Jongdae tries to keep in a chuckle, dragging Yixing’s eyes to him. Forget what he said about smug Jongdae, happy Jongdae is a hundred times more attractive, with his long fringe falling over closed eyes as he leans forward, laughing. Yixing makes a mental note to make him laugh more next time. Well, if he gets to have a next time.

“I have something in mind,” Jongdae smiles at him. 

“Nothing too crazy I hope?” Yixing asks, uncertain.

“You're gonna have to see for yourself,” Jongdae winks at him and Yixing can't help but feel uncomfortable under his stare. “This shirt,” Yixing looks at Jongdae, but the other’s eyes are on the road so Yixing hums acknowledging him, “Is it yours? You were wearing it the other day too,” Jongdae tries to sound casual but Yixing can hear his voice cracking. He looks down at the shirt he's wearing, Junmyeon’s shirt, then looks at Jongdae again, furrowing his eyebrows.

“No, it's… Junmyeon’s shirt,” Yixing doesn't know why, but he hesitates too, incapable of saying Junmyeon’s name without choking. It feels weird, to have the weight of his name like that on his tongue.

“Is that why you had a boner last time? You were with him?” The red light allows Jongdae to look at him, watching as Yixing’s cheeks are quickly filled with rouge.

“I'm- I don't- How did you-,” and there he goes again, useless and grasping for words, but Yixing can't really for a sentence under Jongdae’s mister opus stare.

“It was hard not to notice,” Jongdae sounds apologetic, but he doesn't   give Yixing time to decide, turning back to driving. “Put on the sweatshirt, you can't get sick.” Jongdae ends the conversation, but Yixing wants to keep going. He wants to argue that no, he wasn't with Junmyeon, and that he can't get sick from a bad weather, that only viruses and germs can really make him sick. But he doesn't. All he does is get inside the sweatshirt and lean into the window. It's better to keep his eyes turned to the other direction, Yixing realizes, away from Jongdae’s distracting face.

 

Yixing looks at his wrist watch once again. Five minutes since Jongdae sat down. All they did in those minutes was stay in silence, sipping their drinks, looking down the balcony at the people on the sidewalks.

Yixing controls the urge to sigh, staring at them as they walk around each other like they're completely alone, like no one can see each other. It's kind of sad, how solitary people like to pretend they're when the reality is couldn't be more different. People don't know how to see, how to listen. They don't know anything else other than to be alone. Yixing used to think he was broken for being like exactly that, before he finally realized everyone is just as lost as he is.

“Kind of sad, isn't it?” He eyes Jongdae, holding his cocoa filled mug between his fingers, smoked breath mixing with the one coming out of his cup. His eyes are watching, Yixing dares to say even searching, the streets like Yixing was doing just now.

“What is it?” Yixing asks, fighting the urge to reach and fix a lock of Jongdae’s head that decided to go wild.

“How immensely isolated we can feel in the middle of a crowd,” Jongdae smiles, but it makes Yixing feel even sadder. He wonders if he said his thoughts out loud, but Jongdae doesn't sound like it. Yixing can feel one of the corners of his lips lifting, a chuckle threatening to run away, into the air keeping them apart.

“So those guys, are they really your friends?” Yixing looks at the two men a few tables away, moving around like two clowns as they try to clean the place. Jongdae mentioned as they walked in, that it is their coffee shop. Yixing stared at the tallest one in disbelief then, because his stupid unfazed grin that made him look way too young to be the owner. The smallest one maybe, despite his playful expression and the clothes, oversized sweatshirt and ripped pants that couldn't be further from the style he sees on businessmen everyday at work.

“I met Baekhyun in middle school, Chanyeol was his neighbor, he kind of just tagged along for a few years. He used to follow Baekhyun around like a puppy,” Jongdae rolls his eyes, probably at the memory. Yixing keeps staring at them. Chanyeol, the tallest one, with long and uncoordinated limbs that made him really dangerous, especially as he tried to get the chairs up on the table without hurting himself or knocking anything down on the process. Yixing couldn't help but think how much of a disaster he would be dancing. He never stopped smiling, from the moment they went through the door and Jongdae greeted him, his smile is still ripping through his face. Yixing wonders if it doesn't hurt to smile that much and if they really are as genuine as they look. Yixing would know all about fake smiles.

“I like this,” he said, looking back at his drink and then Jongdae. “It is a nice place,” he completed, not daring to drop Jongdae’s stare.

“Baekhyun inherited it from his grandmother,” Jongdae explains to him, tearing his eyes away. Yixing's face fell with disappointment, wanting to keep those eyes on him. He doesn't know why he's so greedy for Jongdae’s attention. “Chanyeol just…”

“Tagged along?” Yixing finishes, chest stuffing with pride at the sound of Jongdae’s laugh. 

Yixing likes this. It has been such a long time since he left his apartment for something other than a schedule and didn't need to worry about getting caught. He feels free, somehow. He hadn't realized, up until now, that he doesn't need to hide with Jongdae. They're officially speaking, a couple. They have to be careful but they don't have to  _ hide _ . It's different from going out with Junmyeon. He loves to, but they still have to sneak around and avoid being caught. He has to split his attention into being with Junmyeon and making sure no one knows he's with Junmyeon. Yixing doesn't even know anymore if it is worth just to get out of his dorm for a taste of controlled freedom. 

“Why did you want to go out with me?” Jongdae’s voice is low, making Yixing tear his gaze away from Baekhyun giving Chanyeol a lecture about his clumsiness to look at him. He's staring at his mug sitting on the table in front of him, clutching at it with red fingers from cold, and his eyebrows are furrowed in concentration. “I thought you hated me,” he looks… Yixing could be wrong, but he looks sad.

“I thought I did too, to be honest,” Yixing admits, gaining a pair of brown eyes on him, “But I don't, I guess. Do you hate me?”

Jongdae smile is weak, but it pierced through Yixing’s heart anyways, “No, I don't hate you.”

“Good,” Yixing release a breath he didn't realize he was holding in first place. “I'm glad.”

He wants to reach across the table for Jongdae’s hand and hold it between his to help him warm it up, but Baekhyun is already walking up to them, with instant hot packs on his hands that he drops on the table and drops a protective arm over Jongdae’s shoulders. He stares at Yixing for a long time, making him shift uncomfortably in his seat, squirm under the strong gaze.

“Baek, that's enough,” Jongdae tone is warning, hand reaching for Baekhyun’s arm. Yixing watches closely as Jongdae squeezes the other’s wrist and Baekhyun relaxes under the touch. 

“I'm watching you,” Baekhyun narrow his eyes, never looking away from Yixing and making him believe that indeed, that was a threat. Jongdae rolls his eyes, but Yixing is kind of scared.

“Sorry about that,” Jongdae sighs, opening one of the packages on the table, shaking the hot pack in his fingers. “Baekhyun can be a little bit of a drama queen.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Yixing sympathizes with him. Minseok hates when Yixing overreacts to anything and has a loud voice when it comes to his concerns. “Does he have a reason, though?” Yixing cleans his throat. Jongdae looks at him like he doesn't understand what he's talking about so Yixing explains further, “Is it an overprotective boyfriend thing or…?”

“Oh, God. No, God, no. Baekhyun and I… We would never…” Jongdae shivers and grimaces, “He's just a friend. Just that. He's not really my type.”

“How about a girlfriend or…” Yixing is not looking up at Jongdae, finding it hard to meet the other’s eyes as he asks about something so personal. It feels stupid really, but Yixing is stupid.

“Broke up with her a few months ago,” Yixing finds Jongdae smiling before he even can say ‘I'm sorry’, like he wants to reassure he's fine and there's no need for such words.

Jongdae had a girlfriend. Jongdae broke up with his girlfriend, which means that Jongdae is straight.

“What's your type then?” Yixing asks, because apparently he's can't shut up and be decent.

“It depends,” Jongdae shrouds hesitant, like he's still figuring out where this conversation is going.

“On what?” Yixing stomach is doing those backflips again and he doesn't know why. 

“On their gender,” Jongdae looks up, finally meeting Yixing’s gaze. He waits for realization to hit Yixing and when it does, oh boy, he can't help but feel relieved.

“Ah,” it's all Yixing can get out coherently, with thoughts crossing his mind at the speed of the light. It's a mess, his brain, like it was just mixed inside a liquidificador. His chest feels like liquid too, melting to the floor for no good reason. Being around Jongdae is very dangerous he's definitely bad for Yixing. But now that he has started he doesn't think he can stop.

 

They met once again the next day, on the same practice room as always. Things couldn’t be more different, if Jongdae smiling at him when he walks in is anything to go by. Yixing barely acknowledge it, looking up from the piano for only a second before going back to his tiring routine. He does shove his elbow lightly on Jongdae's side when he gets up for water.

Yixing likes this new dynamics. He doesn't know how he got here to be honest, hating Jongdae for things that seem stupid from one day to another. He thinks of how immature he was, how much time he lost because of some stupid grudge he had no idea why or how it started.

"You okay?" Jongdae looks at him with concern and Yixing thinks he can live under that stare.

"Yes," he breaths out and confusion starts to dismiss itself in the air. Maybe he shouldn't waste his time thinking about it, maybe he should enjoy this instead. "I'm good."

Jongdae smile is wide and Yixing lingers his eyes on it for a second before going back to the piano. Jongdae follows him this time, taking the small space on the bench next to Yixing. He tries to focus on the notes he's playing but Jongdae's thigh is leaving a weird warmth on Yixing's leg every time they brush against each other. 

"Why you don't use music sheet?" Jongdae is leaning over and invading Yixing personal space. Yixing guess is just how Jongdae is, remembering the way he acted around Joohyun and even Baekhyun. It's unexpected for Yixing though, but he would rather try and get used to it than mention and never see it happening again.

"I don't know how to read them," Yixing confesses, scratching the back of his head a bit embarrassed.

"Seriously?" Jongdae leans in even closer, breathing on Yixing's neck. Yixing tries hard not to flinch away from the obvious guy. "That's amazing. Can you teach me?" Jongdae is looking at him, straightening his back and making the space between them acceptable again. He's expectant, pleading eyes following Yixing.

"Yes," Yixing blunts out without second thinking it. "One day," he completes, "Right now I don't even want to look at this." Yixing points at the piano watching as the inevitable laugh escapes Jongdae's mouth.

"Oh! Right, I forgot," Jongdae is always so loud and Yixing still needs to get used to it so close to his ear, he guesses. "You left your backpack in my car."

"Really? I didn't even notice," Yixing did bring another one today, but he didn't think about it for real.

"I noticed it this morning. I forgot to bring it though, I'm sorry," he looks sincerely apologetic. Yixing laughs and it startles Jongdae a bit.

"That's okay," Yixing shrugs, "You can give me back another day."

"Maybe we should visit Baekhyun again so he can give you another of of his scary looks," Jongdae suggests. Yixing has to look at him, see him drumming his own leg with his fingers to confirm Jongdae indeed sounded expectant.

"I thought they were a lost puppy pleading looks," Yixing jokes, staring at Jongdae's fingers moving. He looks so young like this, Yixing thinks. "I guess we have to go back there, to be sure."

Jongdae finally looks up at him. Yixing can see the corner of his lips twitching from trying to contain his bright smile from widening too much. "I guess we do."

Joohyun walks in hours later to hand Jongdae more papers. She stares back and forth between them, sitting next to each other on the couch and silently scribbling down on their notebooks. Yixing knows she's thinking she just entered the wrong dimension, by the look on her face.

"Hey," jongdae looks up at her, grabbing the papers from her hands. If notice her expression he doesn't mention it.

"What's going on why aren't you guys jumping at each other's throats?" She asks and it gets Jongdae's attention.

Yixing watches as he clears his throat rawly, looking at him from the corner of the eyes. “This idiot is not even worth my time,” he shrugs, but there's a amused smile on his face and Yixing knows he doesn't mean a single world.

 

Yixing birthday is approaching and everyone starts talking about plans. He doesn't mind, as Minseok takes care of a fan meeting the company has pushed on him for that exact day. He minds it even less when Kyungsoo messages him about doing something at Junmyeon’s apartment - because it's bigger it said on the text. He refuses, though, saying he's already planning a small gathering with everyone at his own house. Yixing even makes a group chat so he can text them the details. When he's done he tries pretends his fingers didn't hover Jongdae’s name, lingering a little longer in that screen.

“Can I invite Joohyun?” Minseok asks him when they find themselves inside Seungwan’s apartment, just killing time. The fact that it's under his own house It's just a bonus. Yixing shrugs, tumbling his fingers on the guitar string on his lap. There's a constant melody playing over and over inside his head but Yixing hasn't figured it out yet.

“Why?” He eyes Minseok, sitting at the couch. He takes his gaze away from his phone, staring at Yixing as if questioning him.

“Because I want to,” Minseok sighs like it's obvious, “Why?”

“I don't know,” Yixing turns back at the table, messing with some buttons on his computer and trying to come up with a new rhythm. He's been working on this song for days but he can't find one for nothing. They need to finish this song so they can jump to the music video recording. Yixing can't wait to be over with this Christmas nightmare, all Jack Skellington references apart of course. “Do you think Jongdae will have any schedules that day?”

“Why, do you want to invite him too?” Minseok wiggles his eyebrows and Yixing wants to face palm because Minseok is so fucking ridiculous sometimes.

“Hyung,” Yixing whines, interrupted by his phone going off.

“Look, you can ask him yourself I guess,” Minseok laughs and picks up Yixing’s phone from where he dropped on the couch and throws it at him.

He stares at Jongdae’s message displayed on his locked screen. He lingers on it way too long, staring with hesitation. Before Jongdae dropped Yixing off at his building that day they went out, Yixing managed, after a long mental debate, to ask for his number. Jongdae looked taken back at the time and Yixing didn't know what to make of his hesitation. Jongdae surprised him though, pulling his phone out and asking for Yixing's number instead.

 

_ Kim Jongdae [16:57] _

_ Where are you right now? _

 

Jongdae texting is certainly a new experience for Yixing. His words are stiff, much not like usual Jongdae. He's been loud, invasive and impersonal for years now. Why suddenly threat Yixing with such formal speech?

"By the way, Joohyun told me she found you guys being civilized with   each other," Minseok laughs even more when Yixing looks up, wroth. 

Yixing doesn't say anything though, looking back to the phone so he could answer Jongdae instead.

 

_ [16:59] _

_ I’m at Seungwan’s. Why? _

 

_ Kim Jongdae [16:59] _

_ The studios?  _

 

_ Kim Jongdae [15:00] _

_ You left your bag in my car _

 

_ [15:00] _

_ Nope, her house _

 

Yixing ponders about sending a emoji, but they don't really have this kind of intimacy? Do they? 

 

_ Kim Jongdae [15:00] _

_ Can I bring it to you? I need the address  _

 

_ [15:01] _

_ Pretty please? She lives in my building  _

 

_ Jongdae [15:01] _

_ Convenient _

 

_ Jongdae [15:02] _

_ Be there in 15 _

 

“How is that going by the way?” Minseok shifts Yixing’s attention for him. He lifts a brow at him but doesn't dare to wipe the smile from his face.

“I'm trying to be friendly,” Yixing shrugs, “Jongdae is not as bad as I thought.”

Minseok gives him a mocking look, rolling his eyes, “You’re a drama queen. Now let's get you to your date, Romeo,” Yixing tries not to grin at that, or look too excited for that matter. “I want to go home and I don't think Seungwan is coming back anymore, anyways.” 

“She might have fallen over the balcony,” Yixing offers, grabbing his cap and putting it on his mess of hair.

“Or stumbled on Kim Jongin on her way back. Either way we are never hearing back from her,” Minseok holds the door open for Yixing, who can't control his laugh at that.

 

Yixing is waiting for Jongdae at the lobby when he gets Junmyeon’s call. He's been pacing back and forth for minutes by now, hands squeezed inside his coat pockets. He tightens their grip around his torso every time someone cracked the front door open, trying to shield himself form the cold. 

“Hi,” he's the first to talk when he picks up, tone soft and coaxing, “I’m at the lobby grabbing something, are you here yet? The food arrived already,” Yixing dances around the truth. Junmyeon doesn't know about Jongdae and going out for coffee. Yixing feels ridiculous really, because he should tell him - there's no reason not to tell him. But every time he even thinks of mentioning Jongdae’s name for the past couple of days there's something keeping his his words stuck, choking him silent. Yixing ends up avoiding it then, too afraid to figure out his own problems.

“ _ Listen, about that,”  _ Junmyeon’s voice is distant, like he's not paying complete attention to their conversation, “ _ Sehun’s parents are in town to see him and they asked me to have dinner with them tonight. _ ”

“And you said yes,” Yixing tries not to sound upset. He probably failed because Junmyeon is quick to answer.

“ _ I'm sorry babe, they're my parents’ friends. You know I need to go, _ ” Junmyeon is sighing and Yixing understands him, he really does. Junmyeon doesn't like disappointing his parents, especially after he became a famous singer, against their wish for Junmyeon to pursue a business career. Now Junmyeon does everything to please them, including pretending he is not dating a guy.

“That's okay, we can have this another day,” it's Yixing’s turn to sigh, “Have fun, okay?”

Yixing wonders if he should ask him not to go. Would Junmyeon stay? Up until this day, even after this whole time they spent together, Yixing is not sure of the answer. He's mostly afraid of it, and despite the fact that knowing could possibly do him some good. Since there was no real harm to be done left, Yixing would rather remain ignorant about it, like the coward he is.

“ _ I'll try to, I swear, _ ” Junmyeon laughs but Yixing knows there's no humor in it.

“Okay, I have to go now,” Yixing says, watching as Jongdae waves excitedly at him from the entrance door. He has Yixing’s backpack hanging on one shoulder.

“ _ Okay, I'll call you later,”  _ Junmyeon sounds even more distant, now that Jongdae is approaching him with a light smile painted on his face.

“Bye, love you,” Yixing whispers, but he doesn't get an answer from Junmyeon. All he gets is Jongdae staring at him, worry spread all over his expression.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Jongdae hands him the backpack. Yixing hangs it on his shoulder as he nods, a bit unsure.

Junmyeon just ditched him for Sehun, that just happened. He just skipped their date to spend the evening with Sehun and his parents. Junmyeon doesn't like those kind of dinners, Yixing is fully aware off that. He doesn't like the world his parents live in, he doesn't fit in the big picture like Yixing knows Sehun does - he knows ever since they met, to be honest. Junmyeon hates executive parties, custom-made suits and don't even get him started on the countless boring dinners with his parents. Yixing knows he hates it and he also knows he could lie to Sehun’s parents, come up with a schedule and promise to meet with them any other time. Yet, Junmyeon decided to indulge Sehun, leaving Yixing alone. It makes Yixing wonder if Junmyeon even remembers what day is today. Probably not, because he didn't even bother to say a word or said he would make it up for Yixing.

“Thanks for bringing it to me,” Yixing fights his thoughts away, looking at Jongdae.

“You're welcome,” Jongdae’s expression shift from a worried frown to an easy smile again. “Well if that's all I'm leaving right now. Bye, Yixing” Jongdae says it slowly, still waiting for Yixing to say something. When he doesn't, Jongdae bows and puts his hands in his pockets, turning his back on Yixing.

It's not until he's pushing the door that Yixing stops him, calling out his name, “Are you busy right now?”

At Jongdae’s denial, Yixing allows a smile to settle on his face. 

 

He hadn't thought the whole thing through when he asked Jongdae to come up with him. Actually he didn't think at all, he just went inside the elevator with an unsure Jongdae. Now he's panicking, trying to hide his shaking hands by walking in front of Jongdae with the keys in hand - always good to lock your apartment when you're a famous, even when you only step out for a couple of minutes. He wants to punch himself, but he also wants to reassure that he's going to be fine and this is completely normal, except Jongdae has never been here and shit, did Yixing remember to take his boxers off the couch? It is too late for that anyways, Yixing reasons.

“Wanna eat on the floor?” Yixing suggests as Jongdae stands at the door, taking off his wore converses. Jongdae hums, fitting his feet inside the slippers Yixing handed him. Yixing takes a look the couch, internally sighing at the clean area. No boxers then.

“Chinese take out and wine?” Jongdae lifts his brow at Yixing, trying to bite his smile away but failing.

“It's a thing,” Yixing shrugs, “The food is amazing, though. A hundred percent authentic.”

“Do you miss it?” Jongdae voice is a whisper. He's helping Yixing with the plates and the cups, bringing them to the center table in Yixing’s living room - they can't even do as much as breath in the white couch with those glasses full of wine but Yixing’s black carpet won't mind.

“You mean China?” Yixing looks at him to watch Jongdae nod, “Sometimes. I do miss my mom but…”

“You've made yourself a life here,” Jongdae doesn't ask, he completes Yixing’s words and allows the corner of his lips to curl up. “I understand the feeling.”

“I need to say something,” Yixing looks down at his pot, poking the food with his chopsticks. Suddenly his stomach feels unsettling and Yixing wonders if it's because of Jongdae’s presence, “But I don't want to ruin the mood.”

“You started already though,” Jongdae reasons, taking a sip of the wine. 

“I'm sorry,” Yixing looks up, into Jongdae’s eyes, who lowers his glass cup as he stares back, urging him to continue, “I was really rude, I was also wrong. And I'm sorry about everything.”

“That's okay,” Jongdae whispers, “I understand where you were coming from.”

“Still I doesn't justify,” Yixing argues. He wants to close his eyes but Jongdae’s own are alluring him in.

“Don't worry,” Jongdae reassurance rings on his ears. He watches him poking the food the way he just did and look up, smiling at Yixing once again. Yixing wonders if he ever gets tired of being so bright and he can't help but to compare him with Junmyeon, who is the sun himself. Junmyeon, whose light shine in a way that’s almost blindingly, a whole sun burning up and consuming all around. Jongdae is different though.  He's like the nightlight Yixing keeps on the side of his bed and the light in the kitchen that was on when Yixing’s eight-year-old self used to wake up in the middle of the night because of nightmares. Maybe not the best analogies, maybe Jongdae is more like the moon, mysterious and captivating, who does his best to reflect the light of others without trying to outstand himself. And Yixing wonders how he could think otherwise, once upon a time.

He thinks while he carefully picks on his food. Jongdae is not to calm, gulping down all the food he could fit in his mouth and even more. Yixing wonder if he's a nervous eater. He sips on the wine with patience though and also hesitation, so he's definitely not a good drink.

“I ruined the moment, didn't I?” Yixing asks, apologetic at least. Jongdae laughs, in a loud ringing voice, just like Christmas bells. Yixing hates Christmas bells, but he used to hate Kim Jongdae.

“Yeah you kind of did,” Jongdae confesses, leaning back on Yixing couch. “It's nice to see you uncomfortable for once, though.”

“What? Why?” Yixing can't help but indulge Jongdae. They're both smiling, so wide that Yixing worries the skin from Jongdae’s pretty cheekbones will rip.

“The great Zhang Yixing is never nervous. He's polite, charming, even a big walking flirt,” Jongdae muses and Yixing rolls his eyes, “But never nervous.”

“Well, I'm pretty anxious about a lot of things, mind you,” Yixing takes a sip of his wine, savouring it with his tongue before swallowing. It goes down really dry and Yixing has to fight the urge to cringe.

“Sure,” Jongdae scoffs and Yixing gaps at him. “You want to know something funny?”

“Shot away,” Yixing takes another sip, “It can't hurt.”

“I used to look up to you, like serious case of idolatry,” Jongdae’s expression is serious but Yixing can't help and laugh at him.

“Really?” he has his hands holding his belly, trying to hold in his stubborn laughter. Jongdae has this amused look on his face and Yixing wants him to keep it.

“You were always so hard-working. Everyone looked up to you as trainees,” Jongdae explains and his smile is distant, like he's gathering memories as he stares at the table.

“I didn't know that,” Yixing lifts a brow, challenging Jongdae’s words.

“Yep, the teachers used to give us pep talk like ‘See that guy? That's Yixing, you should work as hard as him if you want to debut’,” Jongdae confesses, alluring another smile into Yixing’s face, “I really wanted to debut back then, so of course I did as I was told all the damn time. You were no exception to the rule.”

“I never knew,” Yixing’s confession is barely a whisper. Jongdae shrugs as Yixing slips away in thought. He really had no idea people payed attention, much less looked up to him. He remember being bullied during trainee days for being foreign and incapable of speaking korean, for not being such a good singer or a great dancer. That's why he worked so hard and walked his way to the top. Out of everyone that made fun of him, Yixing was the chosen one for the debut. Most people dropped out, didn't had in them what was needed for an idol. Yixing did, though, and he never felt guilty for being proud of himself, for outstanding all those people that wanted nothing but easy money and fame. He didn't do any of that with recognition in mind. Jongdae makes a funny noise that brings Yixing’s full attention back to the present.

"Of course you didn't, Yixing," Jongdae shakes his head like when you talk about a kid's antics. Yixing feels kind of self-conscious under the stare. "You can be so blind sometimes." 

"Can I?" Yixing asks, watching as Jongdae nods without hesitation. He supposes he could pay more attention to stuff, but it can't be that bad, can it? 

“Should I call you hyung?” Jongdae asks, cutting the subject. Yixing makes an incoherent noise, tilting his head to the side.

“I don't know. Do you want to?” Yixing asks back, eyes on Jongdae as the other thinks about it.

“Yixing-hyung?” Jongdae calls, maybe just for the sake of the sound, like he's trying to test the words on his tongue. “Yixing-hyung,” Jongdae says again, more sure and looks at Yixing with happiness in his eyes, smile ripping through his face. Yixing can't catch his breath, somehow it gets stuck in his throat just like the many words he wish to say right now.

“Yes, that's good,” Yixing sounds breathless even when whispering and he gets on his feet before Jongdae can realize that too. He can't even hear his voice, covered by the sound of his own heart beating in his ears. It's going so fast Yixing is afraid it might jump out of his ribcage and into Jongdae’s hands. “I should wash this stuff,” he starts picking up the plates and leftovers, Jongdae’s eyes never leaving him.

“Here let me help you,” Yixing silently refuses, bringing the plates closer to his body, away from Jongdae’s reach. The youngest doesn't seem like he's going to give up. “Don't be silly,” Jongdae says and without any effort he grabs the plates from Yixing’s hands. He stomps to the kitchen, Yixing staying behind without knowing what to do.

“Yes, sure,” Yixing sighs defeated, when he finally composed himself and joined Jongdae at the sink and all Jongdae did was laugh at him.

He noticed Jongdae had made himself at home, with Yixing’s apron tied to his waist and sweater sleeves pushed up, to keep it from soaking. The picture felt familiar and welcoming, like Jongdae always belonged inside Yixing’s apartment.

“Jongdae,” Yixing calls his name, a new doting mess finding its way out in his tone.

“Yes Hyung?” the word still sound foreign in Jongdae’s voice, but doesn't fail to tug something in Yixing’s stomach. He did ask for it so maybe he should start getting used.

“Can I ask you,” Yixing looks away from the plates, into Jongdae’s eyes, “What happened between you and Junmyeon?”

Jongdae remains silent, looking into Yixing’s eyes even though they avoid him everywhere. Yixing's mind is blank for the first time tonight and he's not sure if he should feel thankful or despaired. He guesses Jongdae might not want to talk about this, at least not right now or not with Yixing. Yixing feels like he ripped the band-aid way too soon and the look in Jongdae’s eyes might be a good proof of that.

“I was friends with Junmyeon,” Jongdae begins and Yixing looks at him, signaling with his head for Jongdae to keep talking. “And we stop talking. That's all, I guess.”

“That's you're telling me?” Yixing asks, watching Jongdae nod. He's bracing himself with his hips against the counter, waiting for Jongdae to finish his story, “He never said why, though.”

“He didn't?” Jongdae is taken back, head tilting to the side. Yixing watches as he sighs and presses his lips in a tight line. “Well, long short story, Junmyeon did something so we just, distanced from each other, I think.” Jongdae talks like he's still trying to make sense out of the story he's telling. Yixing figures that's probably the reason Junmyeon looks so guilty and pitiful whenever he do as much as hear Jongdae’s name.

“No chance you're going to tell me what he did, right?” Jongdae nods, brows relaxing on his forehead.

“It's not for me to tell,” Jongdae reasons, “I just think it's only fair for you to know, if we're going to go on with this,” Jongdae points back and forth between them both. Yixing wants to ask what  _ this  _ is exactly because Jongdae is here and Yixing never thought he would be, or that he would want to reach for Jongdae’s hand. He's confused and now, with the mention of Junmyeon’s name he feels even more messed up.

“Thank you for trusting me,” Yixing reaches for Jongdae’s wrist, before he can stop himself, and tugs lightly at the wet skin. Jongdae stares down at their skins touching, contorting his face in deep thoughts. Yixing allows his own thoughts to swallow him away from the moment and he makes a mental note because he needs to talk to Junmyeon. Jongdae quickly brings him back to reality though, gently sliding his wrist away from Yixing’s hand so he can go back to doing the dishes. Yixing sighs, turning around and doing the same, figuring they both need time with their own thoughts, he remains quiet.

But the silence is too suffocating for Yixing, trapping the air in his throat and he feels like a frog is choking him, a frog that has a lot of things to say. It's also heavy on his shoulders, combined with the exhausting, full scheduled, afternoon he had. 

“So-”

“Do you want to-,” they both speak together and Jongdae is probably as uncomfortable with silence as Yixing is. He could tell, from the way Jongdae doesn't allow a single second go by unspoken, always filling the gaps that the void between words seems to cause. “We need to stop doing that,” Yixing jokes and with Jongdae following him, nodding along.

“I guess,” Jongdae agrees. He's breathless from laughing, chest rising against his sweater and Yixing can't help but notice how tight the cloth hugs his thorax. Maybe not the waist but Jongdae has the slimmest waist Yixing has ever seen and he dates tiny Junmyeon and knows a lot of models. Or does he even work out? Because Yixing just watched him gulp down almost two orders of Chinese soup and it's not possible that he only maintains that body by being a ravenous monster. “What- You were saying something,” Jongdae’s voice being Yixing’s eyes up, away from his defined chest covered in a tight and thin sweater.

“Right,” Yixing stares into the gaze of Jongdae’s eyes but doesn't know what to make out of them, “Right. It's my birthday Saturday?”

“Are you asking me?” Jongdae laughs and it reverberates inside Yixing.  _ God, can someone stop him? _

“No, no, I'm telling you, I guess,” Yixing has been stumbling on words ever since he started hanging around Jongdae and he thinks that's unfair. “Anyway, Minseok-hyung is throwing me a party here, or something, it's nothing big but I was wondering…”

“If I would like to come?” Jongdae’s voice is soft and Yixing nods, watching as his expression shifts to surprise, “Why?” He asks and Yixing shrugs.

“Because I want you to,” it's been such a long time since he has been this honest with someone. Yixing had been throwing himself under a pile of lies, collecting disappointment after disappointment. Jongdae, he seems an easy person to be honest with, like he pulls the truth from Yixing’s guts without even allowing him a say in it.

“I'll be there,” Jongdae smile is so wide his cheeks scrunch up and turn his eyes into little crescent moons. Yixing hasn't decided yet which one of Jongdae's expressions is his favourite but this one, it definitely makes to the Top 3.

“Good,” Yixing finds its inevitable to smile back, “That's good.”

Jongdae opens his mouth, to say something else and Yixing anticipates it with eyes on him. He never gets the chance to make the words out because the door in the living room is opening and they're both jumping so they stand far from each other. It's feels ridiculous, because they're not doing anything wrong, they're just talking. But still Yixing feels like he just got caught cheating or something when he sees Junmyeon standing at the door, unable to keep his mouth from falling into a round shape of surprise.

“Junmyeon-hyung,” Jongdae whispers by his side, and Yixing doesn't like the way it sound along with Junmyeon’s name. It's so stiff, probably from keeping in for so long but still full of meaning. Yixing doesn't like it and now he's is no longer paying attention to his confused boyfriend, who's taking his shoes of by the door. He's staring at the guy standing next to him looking like he's about to combust into a million pieces. Yixing wants to hold his hand because this is the way Jongdae looked at him when Yixing let him down and he didn't want for Jongdae to look that way again ever. But there's Junmyeon, walking toward them and waiting for an explanation. Yixing wonders if he should leave them alone to talk or take Jongdae home, but once again they're interrupted. This time it's Jongdae singing voice that gets Yixing to side-eye him, but the real Jongdae look as confused as he is. He snaps his head back to Junmyeon, finding the other blushing and reaching for the back pocket of his trousers.

“Well that's embarrassing,” he mutters, laughing without humor. “Excuse me for a second,” Junmyeon steps out of the kitchen, disappearing inside Yixing’s apartment. Yixing can hear Jongdae letting go of his breath after he's gone.

“I should go,” he says without a second to spare and Yixing wants to plead for him to stay but that wouldn't be fair with Jongdae, so he just nods and follow him to the entrance, watching as Jongdae silently slide his feet into his shoes. He looks tense and Yixing wants to apologize but he's not sure why he should. For Junmyeon coming in? For inviting Jongdae over to eat their two-years anniversary dinner? Maybe he doesn't have a reason.

When Jongdae finishes tying his laces and stands up straight once again Yixing shoves a purple umbrella into his arms. “Don't go around wet, or else you'll get a cold,” he's smiling and Jongdae mirrors his expression.

“I'm beginning to think you always give me your stuff so you can have an excuse to see me again,” Jongdae teases him, and there's a hint of mischievous in his eyes that Yixing simply adores.

“Sure,” Yixing huffs, rolling his eyes, and guiding Jongdae out. He bites his lips as he watches Jongdae disappearing behind the elevator’s doors, only to keep himself from saying his thoughts out loud.  _ You already have something of mine, but I don't know how to ask for it back _ .

“Yixing,” Junmyeon calls his name, softly and Yixing feels like its home, even more than the arms hugging his waist from behind.

He turns around to look at him in the eye, he wants to ask so many things, but only one that matters right now, “Do you know what day is today?” Because Yixing is so full of hope and never gives up.

“Today?” Junmyeon stares at him in confusion and Yixing sighs, coming down for a kiss that almost taste bitter.

“How was your day?” Yixing changes the subject, breaking their kiss short. Gladly Junmyeon is fast to let it go, giving him a tentative smile while shaking his head sideways.

“I'm more interested in yours,” Junmyeon tilts his chin towards the elevators, where Jongdae disappeared a few minutes ago.

“Let's go in,” Yixing says, pushing Junmyeon backwards so he could close the door. They walks around without break the hug, swinging side to side to get to Yixing’s room. 

“So?” Junmyeon insists, looking up at Yixing. He earns a sigh and a small, tentative smile.

“He brought me my backpack, I asked him to come up for dinner, that’s all,” Yixing says like it’s no big deal, but Junmyeon is already making an excited face and Yixing knows his boyfriend can’t be stopped anymore.

“Did you apologize?” Junmyeon smile is bright and Yixing is almost hurting.

“Yes, I did,” he whispers, pushing Junmyeon on his bed when they finally get to his room, getting on top of him before he could protest any longer. Idealistic Yixing would be mad at Junmyeon, but honestly how could he, when he got excited at the simple mention of Yixing and Jongdae befriending? Yixing settles for kissing his tiny boyfriend’s neck, sucking on the skin that makes Junmyeon stop his ramble about his boring dinner so he can moan at the touch.

“I’m so, so tired,” Junmyeon whispers after a while, when Yixing is laying on his back next to him and staring up at white ceiling. “Let's run away?” He snaps his head at Yixing, staring him with a serious expression. Yixing wants to laugh, but he’s not sure if it’s a joke.

“I have a recording schedule for tomorrow, I can’t,” Yixing says lightly. He turns on his side to stare at Junmyeon’s side profile being bathed by the moonlight. He’s been staring at pictures of him the whole week, afraid he might forget how handsome he is. They never do him any justice anyway, Junmyeon’s real face, here, only a few inches from him, still does a lot to Yixing’s heart. “Can i ask you something?” Yixing’s voice drops even more. He’s afraid if he speaks any louder he’ll summon all his demons into the room and then it won’t be him and Junmyeon anymore.

“If you let me ride a unicorn towards the sunrise with you,” Junmyeon jokes, turning to stare at Yixing too. He can’t control his hand, reaching up to fix Junmyeon’s bangs away from his eyes. Junmyeon closes his eyes at the touch and Yixing can feel his warm breath against his wrist as he pushes the locks away.

“What happened between you and Jongdae?” Yixing doesn’t believe in staling, Junmyeon should know that by now, but he’s sure he surprised him, as Junmyeon open his eyes and double the size of them. It feels like way too much secrets being spilled in one evening but Yixing wants, no, he needs to know before he can start fixing the mess inside his head.

“I can’t,” Junmyeon begs, and Yixing can taste the sadness on his lips when he comes down for a kiss.

Yixing cuts it short, insisting again, “Junmyeon-”

“Not tonight, please,” Junmyeon has opened his eyes once again and even only under the moonlight Yixing can see how glassy they look. “I’ll tell you anything else.”

“Okay,” Yixing’s hand is shooting circles on Junmyeon’s back and he only moves around his body for his boyfriend to fit his head in the crook of his neck. Yixing wants to complain because he’s incredibly sensitive there but Yixing figures he can handle it for a bit.

“When did we become like this,” Junmyeon is asking and it’s muffled on Yixing’s neck but he can still hear it clearly.

“What do you mean?” Yixing pushes his boyfriend against him, holds him tight in his arms, too afraid Junmyeon might slip through his fingers if he doesn’t.

“I feel like we’re wandering on the ocean, Yixing,” Junmyeon takes his head back to say it looking at Yixing. “Like we’re lost.”

“So let's find the way back, together,” Yixing tries to smile, holding Junmyeon’s hand in his and squeezing it. There are so many things to say and Yixing feels like there’s not enough time. He settles with this, then, laying on the bed and holding each other, waiting for tiredness to wash over their bodies. Except Yixing can’t sleep, not after the day he had. He settles for watching Junmyeon’s chest rising and his peaceful expression as he walks on the dreamland. He listen to the cute, puppy-like, noises Yixing had once been sure he wanted to hear forever. Now he’s not sure of it, or anything else for that matter.

In one hand he had Junmyeon, who’s is like the gravity take makes Yixing keep his both feet on the ground. He’s probably what got Yixing this far in life with his almost intact sanity, even between many regrets and unforgettable moments. In the other hand there was Jongdae, who he got to know for only a few days now and it was definitely still a mystery for Yixing. Spending time with Jongdae had felt like being throw in space without a suit, oxygen missing in his blood and his head feeling like it could blow up at any second, but Yixing couldn't care because the stars were in his reach and the moon was bright.

So what does Yixing want? Right now he feels like the answer is swinging in front of his eyes, but he can’t really see it because it’s moving too fast. Junmyeon always said that things could dance macarena for him and he would still not know. Jongdae had said Yixing is blind to a lot of things. What do they know that he can’t seem to? 

Yixing couldn't close his eyes for the whole night. When he did Junmyeon's soft eyes and overly-kissed lips kept showing up and disturbing his dreams like they never did in reality. And in his ears Jongdae's loud, whiny, voice kept ringing without respite. Yixing had his eyes open, blaming it on his insomnia problems instead of the wandering, indecisive, crazy mind of his.

  
  



End file.
